Firework. . . .

So it's been a rough weekend for my girls. I don't usually talk about them on this blog, but I feel like this topic is one that all parents face. How do you protect your kids from the disappointment and heartbreak you have no control over?

My two younger girls recently auditioned for a popular musical. They received call backs and could not have made me prouder by their performances. I was beaming with pride for the courage and strength they showed standing there on their own, singing their hearts out in front of strangers, and baring vulnerable parts of themselves to people who could so easily crush their spirits. It was definitely a Mama Bear moment.

Unfortunately, my girls did not make the cast.

I have not told them yet. I am in such fear because I will deliver news that I know is going to deliver tears and I am not prepared to watch them hurt over something I cannot control. Is a parent ever fully prepared to witness such pain of a child? I don't think there is anything in life that would make this part of parenting any easier. However, here we are, at the front of this lifelong battle.

When I was recently divorced, I took it hard. My long battle to become whole again took me places that were less than my parent's ideal. I went through a very dark time and hurt quite a bit. I watched my parents panic because they didn't know what to do for me. My dad broke down to me one day saying, "I don't know how to fix this." And in complete honesty, I didn't want him to, nor felt I was even broken in the first place. But what he did next surprised me. He said "Go". Go and do what you need to do, whatever it is, go do it. And with those words of wisdom he handed my life over to me. He didn't abandon me, but he let the pain of my life take it's course and heal the way God wanted it to heal.

I think of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father and their relationship to us on this topic. Heavenly Father weeped and hid at the edge of the universe when his Only Begotten Son suffered pain and heartache on the earth. When Christ died on the cross, God could have so easily taken that suffering from him. But he didn't. He stood by and let it happen. God stood by knowing that it would make all of us stronger because of the experiences it would create.

Like the experience with my dad, Heavenly Father has told us to "Go and do". He has handed our lives over to us and stands with us as we face the battle front of our own mortality, knowing full well that each experience will create a stronger, more prepared spirit for the next phase in life.

There are many tragic things in this life that some of us must face. There are many trials that are seemingly not right. That they are not how things in life should play out. But, unfortunately they do. It would be wonderful if we were saved from the pain of this life. Saved from the places that are less than ideal. But if God did that for us, if our parents did that for us, would we be prepared for anything in this life?

Standing by is not something this Mama Bear wants to do. I want to growl and fight to protect my girls from all that would pain them. But what a disservice I would be giving in return. So instead I chose to give them love. I chose to be like my Father in Heaven and love my children no matter what road they travel on in hopes that they will focus on that more than the pains that strike deep. That they will seek that love continually in their lives and grow strong enough to not let the trials in life keep them down.

Life is so hard. Giving love is not. So I ask you this, have you loved your kids today??

Gentle. . . .

I've had something on my mind a lot lately. Something that keeps popping up in conversations and little moments in my day. It's the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Last Sunday was Ward Conference and the theme for the year in my stake is the Atonement. The talks presented by my bishop and stake president were wonderful and have stuck with me. They've stuck so much that even little songs on the radio or conversations with friends or thoughts of marriage and dating have brought up the Atonement in my mind. This is something I am very grateful for.

About 18 months ago I had a personal experience that forever changed my course in life. It's too personal to share, but still the idea of one remains. It was not a good one. I've spoken of it in past blogs, but it was something that caused me to question my entire existence on this earth. I am happy to report that I am still alive and owe my life to Jesus Christ. I am embarrassed to reveal that I had such a questioning in my life, however, am more than willing to share my personal conversion that was 30 years in the making.

I pleaded with God for many months over trials in my life. Many days were spent in tears over questioning and confusion as to where I should go. (Divorce can do some serious damage to an individual and my heart goes out to all who experience this.) Emotion guided choices and consequences prevailed.

Going back to my bishop's talk in ward conference, he spoke of the parable of the bicycle. For those who don't know it, it's in the book, Believing Christ. It's about a girl who wants a bike and works to save all she can to get that bike but comes up short. Her father then says he'll make up the difference and gets her the bike. It parallels Christ's willingness to make up the difference in our own lives through His Atonement. But what struck me the most is when my bishop then stated how He'll give us a new bike when we wreck the first one he give us. That even when we damage and destroy that beloved bike, He's still willing to give us another because He loves us that much.

I had prayed and prayed for so long before my forgiveness was given, that when this parallel was spoken, I realized I had broken my bike. But not only broken it, I destroyed it to an unrecognizable pile of ash and Christ still gave me a new one. That His Atonement was so continual that even when I keep dinging up this new bike, He's there to polish it and make up for all my mistakes.

Now this may be a concept that is old to some of you. But to me, it was what I needed to hear to again, partake in the bond I have with my Savior and His atoning sacrifice. I know that I am going to keep dinging up my bike and though I pray that my lessons in life will be gentle I know that they will be hard. That they'll be hard because the Lord wants them to be.

For those of you at any stage in your life, whether you have a trike or training wheels or are a seasoned cyclist, I pray that you partake in the Atonement of Jesus Christ every day and know that you are loved because of your flaws. That he loves you knowing full well the outcome of your trials. He loves you. That will never change.

The Breath You Take. . . .

Have you ever had one of those epiphanal moments where you come across a logic that you've never discovered before? Well I had one of those today. (And I'm sure someone else has discovered this because nothing is original at all anymore.)

In my mind pondering drive today, I came across an idea that helped me feel good about this messed up world. Nothing in this world is perfect. NOTHING!! And for all you religious persons out there, bare with me, Not even religion. -Now hear me out. I am a faithful LDS member and still feel this way. Nothing in this world is perfect, not even religion because it will always touch something that is not.

In science there is this point of freezing, it is the coldest point of cold anything on this earth can get. And nothing on this earth can completely get there. (Now for all you science geeks out there, back me up. I know there's a better way of explaining it and that I did learn this concept in high school.) Picture a snowball. And it's in an environment where it rests upon the tip of a mile long pin in the air in the middle of a freezer that can in fact freeze this snow ball to that lowest point of all temperature, but it never gets there. Why? Well it's because it's touching that mile long pin that is attached to the floor a mile away that transfers enough heat to keep that snow ball from becoming that perfectly frozen ball of science. It is proven in a much more scientific way than I can explain that nothing on this earth can reach that frozen point. I feel the same way about life on this earth. That nothing will ever reach that perfect point on this earth. At least nothing tangible to us. Because even the gospel touches imperfect people.

Now this in no way wavers my testimony about God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In fact it strengthens it. It proves to me that faith is what will get us to that perfect place. That nothing on this earth will support a perfect life except God and every step I take on this earth is imperfect no matter how guided I may think it is. So how in control are we really? Well, we are in control of our choices for sure, but they are never perfect choices and once I grasped that, the Gospel and Atonement of Jesus Christ was opened even wider to my small mind.

This may only be epiphanal to me. And that's okay, no one's perfect. However, I do hope this gets you thinking that every step in life is more a learning experience than a line of mistakes. Forgive yourself and move one, become stronger, walk with love, and remember NOTHING is perfect so smile. We're all a bunch of screw ups.

Lasso. . . .

My grandfather died in April. It's been really hard on my grandmother to be without him. Today I met up with some of my female cousins and we got on the subject of Grandma. One cousin commented that when she talked to her last, Grandma had said how she's just praying for the Lord to take her. As the outspoken cousin she is told her that just because you want it so bad, he's not going to give it to you. He's not going to give you an out.

That logic resonated with me. It stuck with me throughout my day and into my evening with a very charming man. This man has been very honest with me and told me how he cares for me, but that he's not looking for a relationship. It's becoming perpetually more and more difficult to see him because I want something so much more than he's willing to give. Therefore, I always come away heart broken from our outings. So this logic of God not giving us an easy out echoed almost with a laugh at me tonight. I've probably touched on this before, but have you ever wanted something so bad that it's anti-productive?

In aerobics, there's a point of exertion that's called anaerobics. It's where you have your heart rate up so high that it's just burning oxygen instead of fat. Making all your efforts counter productive. You are essentially trying so hard that you are no longer effecting your goal. I think of my grandmother and myself in this notion. She wants to be with her husband so bad that she's no longer living. And I want to be loved by someone else that I'm no longer living. We both put forth such effort to achieve our goal, whether it's in action or thinking, that we become exhausted and ultimately still too far away from our goal.

So how does one bridal that passion of the heart? How do we ignore the pain and try to heal even when every part of our being is engulfed in the trauma of our desire? The only thing I can decide is that I need to focus on something else. Basically ignoring the pain. My grandma has been obsessed with changing things in her home. Going through all of my grandpa's things, removing them from the home. I know most of her kids don't understand why she's doing what she's doing, but I do. It's something tangible that she can focus on to forget the pain. For me, it's running. I foresee it becoming a bit of an obsession. But I'd rather be alone doing something I love, like running than being alone with the reality of why I am.

I haven't given up on the idea of being one in a pair. I don't think I ever will. However, I'm going to need to do my best to ignore it for the time being. One day, I hope to be strong enough to handle it head on. But for now, I'll just deal and try not to want it so much. My efforts in life need to count. My daughter says this saying all the time, "You only have one life. Enjoy it!" Believe me when I say, I plan to.

You Belong With Me. . . .

I wrote this blog about five months ago and decided to not publish it due to the exposure it may get and the thoughts I had coming to light too soon. Well the scenario I wrote about is long past, however, I do feel that my life is cycler and applies to my life once again.

You can NEVER escape high school! In high school there was a boy that I loved. I so deeply loved him. I day dreamed of him finally coming around and finding me beautiful. Finally coming around and seeing that I was a quality girl worth taking a chance on. Alas, this boy was just too nice to break my heart. So he politely humored me through out my years at school. Though nothing was ever said on the matter between us, things were very clear, at least to me. He was not the one that got away, he was the one that took me to Prom, held my hand, never let me be alone, and did what he could to make up for the feelings he could not reciprocate. Deep down I knew it was a futile effort on my part, but the heart falls even when you don't want it to.

He married a girl worthy of him and I attended their reception envious of what they had.

My marriage fell apart from the beginning. And to survive, I became delusional about my life. Even telling little white lies as to why my husband at the time wasn't at family/social functions. It worked for years. Until the last thing my ex and I held on to about each other started to fade. Now the ten years in between the beginning and the end, I chose not to touch on right now. But I came out of that marriage broken and feeling discarded. I did not recognize who I was. I had done so much to hold on to my marriage/family, that I couldn't even remember what my favorite color was because I had changed it to be his favorite color along with everything else in my life.

Dating has been a challenge. A string of bad men have left me feeling less than worthy of a good guy, though that is what I seek. The Lord knows the prayer in my heart. The Lord has known the type of man I have sought after since I was young, almost to the point of desperation. He is patient with me, ever so patient as I learn to be the picky one. As I learn to change the men, not me.

Any one who has spoken to me recently knows that I HATE first dates. I hate getting to know a stranger with the looming expectation of "love" over my head. It ruins my dates every time. The example being that I am still going on first dates with men that never call me back. Because of this, I am finding parts of my high school self, (my only real dating reference) coming to the surface. Something I didn't mention before about the guy I was in love with in high school is that he was a close friend. I had only one real girl friend in high school. The rest were men. I was blessed to have a close knit circle of friends. It was about 8 solid guy friends that I was more comfortable with than any set of girls I've befriended in my lifetime. And this particular guy was one of them.

As far away from that scenario as I may have tried to go, I find myself facing it once again. I am finding that my heart is falling for a dear friend. One that again, is in a close knit group, is a gentleman always, and I feel I am not worthy of him. Of course he is too nice of a guy to tell me no, and treats me like I have longed to be treated with no effort or special purpose. So this once again makes my life a living hell. The thoughts of him are familiar because I have traveled this road before. The only thing different about this road is that I pray I learned something from my last trip down it, that I learned something that would prepare me for this journey. Either for the foreshadowing disappointment, or the delusional outcome I think about in my quiet moments. Either way, I know the Lord knows what I am going through. I know he has prepared this path for me. And I know that whatever outcome, even if there isn't one, is what the Lord wants me to experience.

My whole life I have wanted to be married, to be a wife and mother, to have a family of my own. And I am blessed beyond measure to have my girls. They are the best thing in my life. And my heart longs to share them with someone. I know the Lord understands this desire in my heart, because he helped put it there. And I know he is making my paths clear. So as I continue on this dating path, I do so with the Lord by side. I do this because I know that whomever I marry, belongs with me. He belongs with me. . . .

Jesus, Take the Wheel. . . .

I am an over analytical person. If you've read my past blogs, I've touched on that several times. I sift through most of everything in my life multiple ways. I've discovered that when I try and do something of grandeur, I fail. When I force something, I fail. It's a control issue that stems from some part of my childhood hidden deep beneath the layers of my subconscious. I don't know why I do it, but I do. That being said, I struggle with this every day of my life. From dating to eating, I try and force things to happen. Now knowing this, I've begun to let go of the wheel of direction in my life and just go with the flow. Allowing instead of forcing. I'm not particularly good at it, but I still try because I want my life to happen naturally and the way it should. There are things that have happened recently to me that have surprised me. Things I've always wanted, always tried to achieve, and usually failed at, but now, see the path of least resistance and am happily skipping down the yellow brick road. I know that there have been many, many days where my heart was angry at God because things in my life were not going as planned. And I know that he heard every thought my spirit felt. He sat there while I tantrumed, cried, threatened and argued my way through the pain of my life. He understood why I did the things I did, the good and the bad. He let each choice teach me something new, and allowed me to try and force my life better knowing it would fail. Until one day, I finally let go. I finally let God take control. Now I'm not saying I won't revert back to my forceful ways, but I am thankful beyond expression for his love and constant direction. I pray that all who read this and all who don't, to let God lead your lives and feel the amazing spirit he brings. It's a New Years resolution worth trying.

So I ask you this, Have you let God take control today?

A Daisy A Day. . . .

A Daisy A Day is a song by Jud Strunk my grandma showed me years ago. It's a story told by a young boy about an elderly couple and how each day this man would go walking with his wife and give her a daisy. Even after her death, each day he'd walk to her and give her a daisy. This sentiment struck me deeply and I have been prepared to sing this song for my grandmother at her funeral ever since. However I was not prepared to sing any song for my grandfather's funeral when he unexpectedly passed away. It was upon my grandmother's request that my brother accompany me on guitar while I sing an old country song for her farm boy. My dad chose the song, Daddy's Hand by Holly Dunn and three days later I sang with all my heart for one of the best men on this earth.

It's now been seven months since his passing and with Christmas approaching, I can't help but think of him. At a recent trip to my grandmother's home, she shared something very special with me. She shared a story about a dandelion and how to the woman in the story, a dandelion was just dandy. My grandma went on to tell me about how she never liked cut flowers and told my grandpa to never give her any because they'd just die. How she'd much rather see roses in her garden than on her table. So with the exception of the occasional Mother's Day corsage, he never bought her any flowers. But each spring, when the grass was new and green, and the chill of winter was gone, my grandpa always brought her in a dandelion from the yard. As my grandmother's voice got shaky and tears streamed down her face, she told me how much she was going to miss that and I could feel her heartbreak as we stood in her now half empty bedroom.

It wasn't a daisy a day for my grandma, it was a dandelion every spring. So when this upcoming spring blossoms and those little yellow bursts of sunshine seemingly explode out of the lawn, I hope one makes it to my grandmother's table. There are many things in this life that remind me of my grandpa, and there are many things that will always be special because of my grandma, but the dandelion will now always be a shining example to me, of their love for one another. I pray to one day have a love like theirs. Simple, vibrant, resilient year after year, fruitful, have roots that grow deep, and is strong, no matter where planted.