Which Part Is Mine. . . .

I have had an itch to write all week, but couldn't decide what to write about. I have about 3 blogs rolling around in my head at the moment but have decided to write about something completely off subject. My ex.

Well not exactly about my ex, but more about my past marriage and all my fears that were involved with it. Since my divorce, I have noticed a few lady friends that were/are in the same boat I was in and felt the need to help them in some way, but never really knew how. For example, how do you tell someone they are in a bad marriage?

I must first state that I am not an advocate of divorce. However, I am an advocate for happiness, and sometimes that is the result of you finding your happiness.

Not really knowing where to begin, I'll say this, at age 19 I had never really had a boyfriend but knew all I wanted to do in life was be a wife and mother. I didn't even want to pursue a career because I was going to be a wife and mother. And not just any wife and mother, but a damn good wife and mother. So I went to college not for an education, but to find a boyfriend. And I did. I found a very handsome man who was a return missionary and was interested in me. (What else does a naive 19 year old LDS girl want? Right?) It felt amazing to have someone like me. To really like me. And not just the, ya you are awesome can you hook me up with your friend like me, but the I think you are beautiful like me. The I'd like to make-out with you like me. The I want to marry you like me. It was wonderful and exciting and satisfying to have someone genuinely like fat, old, ugly, me. To have someone make me feel pretty, and wanted, and feel like a swan. Unlike every boy before that always made me feel like an ugly duckling.

So what else does a 19 year old naive girl do with that boy? I married him.

There were flags, huge blatant flags that I ignored because I loved him. Huge, bright colored flags dripping with excrement I let fly because I wanted him to love me.

It was as if I let everything that made me, me, shrivel up and die because I wanted him to love me.

I was very defensive and protected him more and more as it was more and more evident to everyone else but me, I was unhappy. It was as if the colors of my spirit went from the bright pinks and greens of spring to the charcoal colors of a bleak January. I was torn. And this tear was sometimes unbearable because I now had three girls with him. The guilt I felt for not being blissfully happy with my marriage weighed on me four fold because it now affected my girls as well. I knew that every choice I made affected the person they would become as an adult, and this frightened me.

I knew deep down I needed to try. I needed to put forth every effort I could to make my marriage work. I didn't want to stand at judgement and have the Lord tell me I didn't do enough to keep my family together. So I kept trying, until one day, I just couldn't any more. After ten years I knew my marriage was over. A part of me welcomed the release and the other part of me still  held on for dear life.

Once it was over, I realized I didn't know who I was any more. I literally didn't know my favorite color, what my favorite food was, or even what make-up to wear because I'd changed all of that to try and please him. To try and get him to want me. All those years, all that compromising, all the excuses and trials and pain and yes, even joy, I felt still left me feeling like an ugly duckling.

I felt raw. Like someone had skinned me alive and left me in a cool breeze.


So why bring all this up? Why . . . . pick at old wounds? I say all of this because I know for some, they are very fresh and real wounds to them. I say this so they know, they are not alone. That someone else has gone through it and survived. I have survived. And so will you.

I DO NOT regret my first marriage. I DO NOT hate my ex husband. I DO NOT EVER wish to change my past. My past is what helped create who I am today, and I only ever look back as a motivator to continue forward. I love my ex because he gave me three beautiful girls. I love my divorce because I discovered strength within myself I never knew I had. I love my past marriage because it taught me everything I truly wanted in life. Again I will state, I am not an advocate for divorce. I do not state that it is the answer for all your troubles. But I will say without happiness, you will shrivel up and die inside. It will create an endless ache in your chest that will only pull you in like a black hole each time your heart breaks. The more you put your happiness in the hands of another, especially someone who does not cherish it, the more your heart will break each time that person is not successful in creating that happiness for you.

I want to leave you with a light of hope. Because sometimes when life seems so dark, and you have voices telling you things that only bring you down, and that you deserve only "this much", I implore you to find happiness where it truly lies. My Heavenly Father was the only person who made any sense to me. Everyone else's opinions and judgements, and expectations about my life were like a flood of muddy water drowning me slowly. It wasn't until I prayed every last breath I had before finally succumbing, did the water turn clear and I was able to see the path I was to be on. I know that if you depend upon your Heavenly Father, he will lead you to happiness. He will lead you to the happiness you are starved for, whatever it may be.

So I ask you this, Have you seen your reflection today?

Spiritchal As Me. . . .

So I have a new calling in my ward. I am leaving the I-don't-understand-them-that's-why-God-gave-me-girls-cub-scouts behind and venturing into the all too familiar world of the Young Women's. I will be teaching the Mia Maids (14 -16 year old) and I was thrilled until my husband pointed out something frightening to me this past Sunday. Let me back up a bit.

Starting in this new year, 2013, the LDS church has changed the curriculum for how teachers will be teaching the youth of the church. Following in the footsteps of the eight year old reorganization of the missionary manual, Preach My Gospel, the youth will now be taught by the Spirit, not a pre-written lesson plan as it has always been in the past. Basically I will be preparing a discussion lesson based on an outline the church has issued called, Come, Follow Me. I am to pray, study, and prepare based on the personal needs of my class room in hopes of involving the girls more fully and in turn, blossom a testimony within them through a more personal lesson. In all actuality, to me, it seems way more simple than the previous alternative. Basically, this way I'm baring my testimony for 40 minutes instead of trying to bring excitement to someone else's written word. However, this past Sunday while the Bishopric was explaining the new program to the ward, my sweet and way too insightful husband leaned over and whispered something in my ear that took most of the excitement right out of my heart. He asked me, "Do you know what this means?" In which I replied, no, shaking my head. "It means the teachers are going to be held more accountable for the youth in God's eyes. They are going to be held more responsible for the youth and what is being taught, in Heaven." I was instantly placed in a state of shock for the remainder of the meeting.

It had suddenly occurred to me how important this calling is. All the questions of my youth were now flooding back to me. Especially the ones that have still gone unanswered. I knew if I were to create the environment the Lord wanted me to by successfully executing this new curriculum, I was to be prepared to answer those questions. I had at 33, suddenly felt the shift from being a student, to being a teacher. And not just primary answers that I had always known to primary questions of kids still aboard their parent's testimonies. I was now the teacher to the kids I still feel I am, needing to answer the pivotal questions they would be questioning. The questions that will shape their own personal testimonies and possibly set them on a permanent path in life. Can we say, "hit me like a load of bricks?" Ha!

Good thing I have the Lord on my side, huh? I do love how this church is a church of constant learning. Constant revelation and personal growth. I know I do not know enough to teach these girls. And I have an overwhelming desire to prepare these girls for the future that is to come, the future that is prepared for them and the one that will inevitably be a difficult one. Subsequently, I will be doing that for myself as well.

I guess what I would like for you to take away from this blog is how important our learning here on this earth really is. The church is full of "primary answers". And for all of you who attend church, know what I am talking about. They are the answers to questions that have been being asked of us since we were in primary and are still being asked of us in adulthood. Why do you think they are still asking them of us? I believe it is because of three things: #1- There is always someone new to the church that needs to learn them. #2- We are what we do over and over again. Just like in theatre, you perform what you practice. And #3- We have not really learned them. It is my belief that we, self tremendously included, have not surpassed our primary answers to be able to understand and ask new questions. We are still in a primordial state.

So you might be asking, what does this all have to do with the Young Women's program and me? Simply this, I believe the church and Heavenly Father wish for us to learn past those primary answers and ask the questions that will truly shape our testimonies for the better, creating within us better saints and better spirits more willing and able to combat the forces that are against us on this earth and in the hereafter. Now you might think I'm digging too deep into this new program, but really am I? Are we not at the door step of the second coming? Are we not the chosen people reserved for this dispensation because we are the ones the Lord knows will prevail over the most evil of times? Or do you still believe those primary answers are all that we need to know?

I'm not trying to start a debate or even a friendly argument. Nor am I stating those primary answers are not as important because they are. They are the basis of everything we learn after them. But, all I am hoping to achieve here is to generate a thought, that will turn into a question, then create a train of deep pondering, that will turn into a desire to find out more, bringing you closer to the answers that will shape the person the Lord knows you are capable of being. Ultimately, stirring the pot a bit and seeing if we can better ourselves (myself).

Also, if you were curious about my song choice this go round, I simply found it a way to bring humor into my rant, because I know I am not as spiritchal as I try to sound on my soap box. Besides, it was a terrible movie but the songs are just so much fun.

So I ask you this, Do you know all of your primary answers?

ParaNorman. . . .

I'm going to break away from tradition a bit on this blog and use a movie as my blog title instead of a song because there wasn't a song out there that would translate what I wanted to say better than this movie.

But before I get into why, I'd like to tell you a story.

My brother married a woman with three boys, and each one of those boys has a different form of autism. For the most part, they are all non-speaking kids and have stemming quirks that either calm them or cause a problem for them. It has become very common in my family to hear one boy flush the toilet constantly, the other sing a tune in his own language, have constant clapping, touching, interruptions and best of all, kids covered in either dirt or water.

It is sometimes difficult to explain to small children, and even adults, what's happening when others encounter our family. But I was not really prepared for what was said by a young boy describing my nephews. He told me that "There's something wrong in their heads that makes them not act normal. Something's all screwed up." I was completely taken back by his description of them and immediately tried to explain it in a way that was feasible to a six year old and also wasn't rooted in ignorance. I tried to tell him that there's nothing wrong with their brains, but it's more like they're wearing a mask and this mask makes it difficult for them to talk, listen, see, etc. That there is nothing wrong with them but that they just have a hard time taking what's going on on the inside and sending it outside to all of us.

The attention span of this group is of course limited and so the subject changed very quickly. However my mind, and my husband's, dwelled on it for some time. We felt that what he had said was beyond wrong. And we were upset, in the most Aunt-&-Uncle-Bear way, that this boy spoke about our family this way. But we couldn't get mad at the boy, he is only six. Who we can direct our writhing emotions to are his parents. How ignorant are they to explain such a thing as autism to a kid as "just something screwy in their heads". It was obvious to me that his parents have not taken the time to educate themselves enough on autism to explain it, and therefore tried to explain it away by placing it in the general category of "not normal".

This brings me to the movie ParaNorman. In this movie this young, unsuspecting boy has no friends and is constantly teased. In the movie, there's a scene between Norman and his Dad that is completely heartbreaking.

Norman: This is so unfair! I wish everyone could see what I see. I didn't ask to be born this way. . .
Dad: Neither did we.

Even his Dad, someone who's supposed to love him unconditionally, wishes he was different, more "normal". Poor Norman goes around in his day, fighting off bullies, cruel words, teasing and loneliness all because he has something about him that others do not understand. Norman can see ghosts, and to Norman, this IS his normal.

Through Norman's adventure he comes to a conclusion about people, and he said something that will stick with me forever.

Norman: Sometimes when people get scared, they say and do terrible things.

I will be the first to admit, that when I see someone with a disability, I'm not sure how to approach them. I have a moment where I'm scared. I believe we all have these moments. However, it's what we do after that moment of fear, that will shape who we are.

Norman's Grandma: There's nothing wrong with being scared, Norman, as long as it doesn't change who you are.

Putting ones with autism, or anyone who is different from your version of normal, in a group that labels them as not normal is just you being scared. Saying things that are not in love towards anyone different from you, is just you being scared. Being ignorant of other's because of their disability (or anything you dislike or are uneducated about) is just you being scared. It is so difficult sometimes to fight that feeling of fear and break out of your box to understand someone else's life. The easy road is to just make fun of them and forget that they are human, just like you. But this is the worst way of thinking/behaving imaginable!

The theme to my blog is basically that perception is the key to all understanding. If you are going to sit back and keep yourself ignorant by un-educating yourself and closing your mind to what is the truth about other people, and then teach that ignorance to your children, you will only be breeding bullies. And that is just what you are when you treat others in any negative fashion, disability or not. In the movie, Norman befriends a young boy named Neil who is also teased relentlessly for being fat. However, even though Neil completely understands what's happening to him, he does not let it get him down. He is simply a happy person. Neil has a line that I feel is true to anyone who chooses to take that fear and breed ignorance.

Neil: You could be a bully too, if you were bigger and dumber.

I loved this movie. I loved it more than just about any movie I have seen and will be up there with some of my more intellectual favorites, ie. Lars and the Real Girl I know it's just a kid's movie, but I feel it really makes you think. I hope you all get the chance to see it and possibly think about the way you treat someone "different" from yourself. I don't think we will ever completely be rid of this natural fear that comes with the unknown, but don't let that stop you from becoming someone amazing. Don't let that keep you from being that amazing person to someone else.

So I ask you this, Have you let fear change who you are today?

Family Tree. . . .

My husband comes from a blended family. Much like the Brady Bunch, my husband's family was split down the middle consisting of four step children on either side, equaling eight children total. (My husband is also a twin.) Yesterday he told me how his biological dad wants to be friends with him on Facebook. Now, my husband hasn't seen or spoken to his bio-dad in many, many years and only had those encounters a total of four times since his dad left them when he was four. That comes out to about one visit every eleven years. It's no wonder the dad I know, is his step dad, though he is never referred to with that title and sometimes I swear they look alike.

My family on the other hand is a very tightly woven family. And with the exception of my grandfather not ever knowing his father, my family ties have always been close and "original" so to speak. Until my divorce, my family never really experienced such a divide in family circles. Needless to say, it was and still is something foreign to me, and many of my family members.

So when my husband chuckled as he told me his bio-dad wanted his "friendship"on Facebook, I asked him, "Does it feel weird not knowing your dad? Or any of your half siblings?"

His answers were private and I choose not to share them but I will share the mentality of his family that I know brings peace to him and a testimony to me.

When I first met my husband's family, I was not prepared for the full embrace and unconditional loving arms that so quickly wrapped around me. Coming from an all Mormon, white family, I was taken back by the mass diversity his family has. From divorce, drug use, homosexuality, race, nationality, who was related to who, smoking, language, and down to the glass of red wine sitting on the counter, I had never seen so much difference in one room. As someone who loves theatre, and has the need to understand the reasons why peopled do things the way they do so I can create that on stage, my naive mind started spinning.

Soon after that, I married my husband and became part of that diverse family. And not only me, but my children too. My in-laws made it so easy to love them, and care for them, and call them Mom and Dad. They also immediately insisted on having my kids know them as Grandma and Grandpa, which was very comforting rather than try and explain to my five year old who they are and what to call them. They loved us without question and simply opened the family circle to add us in. (Now this is not me saying my family does not do the same thing, I'm only focusing on the dynamics of my husband's family.)

So them calling me their daughter, my kids their grandkids, and even cousins didn't hit so deeply as when my husband's sister in-law called my daughter her niece. Her niece! She didn't have to call her that. But her calling her, her niece instead of something along the lines of, "my husband's, brother's, wife's kid" touched my heart beyond anything I can ever explain. It was the straw that opened my eyes to what a family really was.

Many things in life will break a family circle. I have encountered them first hand. On this earth, there is nothing that can not be broken. But just as my husband's family looks past everyone's differences to make a complete family, tying everyone together, so does our Lord.

I have a testimony that the Lord will heal all. That the Lord will always connect families together regardless of what is missing. The Lord will take the broken, frayed, loose ends of a family and connect them together with new strings and make them whole as if they never were broken in the first place.

I know that no one will be forgotten, that no one will have missing pieces, broken ties or incomplete circles, because the Lord's plan is made so that one day we will be complete, we will be and have all that is needed to make us whole, and our families will be connected in such a way that they will stretch from one end of eternity to the other with each person woven into the perfect place for them in our eternal family.

I pray that if any one is feeling like a piece of their life is missing, or that they are broken in some way, to look towards the Lord for peace. Through him, we will all become whole. And because of his example, we can live on this earth in a way that will give everyone a home and a family who loves them.

Our Savior's Love. . . .

I have felt like an outsider in my ward ever since our stake realigned the boundaries 9 months ago. Also with my job, I have had to deliver a firm hand to many ward members creating a not so welcoming relationship connecting me to the ward. Needless to say, I am invisible to the ones I seek to connect with and make myself invisible to those who I try and avoid. Not the best situation I've created for myself and if you happened to read my last blog about my ward, my feelings toward the whole thing are rough.

So, why do I bring this up? Well only for me to write down one revelation for myself. My cousin commented something on my last aforementioned blog that has sat inside me and grown into a bit of light.

"Church is just chaos and imperfection coming together for one purpose."

I feel like defending myself with that thought because some people in my ward think I'm losing my faith and I so very much want to tell them my faith in God has not wavered. In fact I've grown closer to him now than any other time in my life. But it's my tolerance for the ward that has weakened and this bug of a thought my cousin planted in me is what's keeping me in attendance.

I know for whatever reason, I'm suppose to be here and I'm suppose to learn something important to my character. So this is why I still attend church. And yes I am writing this during church, sitting here listening to the missionaries speak. And no my faith has not left me. I just don't like being here.

The Stranger. . . .

Do you remember when you were little and you would get teased at school? You'd run home crying and hurt from dagger-like words spewed at you from someone else in anger and your Mother would always say, "They are just jealous of you!" I've notice through facebook and Pinterest posts that even as adults we are teased and hurt by others, and our natural response is still the same. "They are just jealous of me." Except as adults we are more poetic in our response and say something more to the affect of, "Whatever they don't like in you, is just a reflection of what they don't like in themselves." I love this thought anytime I am feeling attacked by others. It makes me feel like the bigger person. The "winner" in an argument. But what if you were not the victim, but the one throwing the daggers?

I have been battling with some anger issues towards others who have hurt me in the past. I know I should just turn the other cheek, but I really don't want to. This group of random people have collectively, in one way or another, either threatened my livelihood, told direct lies about me, or have gone out of their way to make my life miserable. Now, this group of people are ones I see at least once a week and they on the rare occasion speak to me as if none of the aforementioned daggers were thrown into my back. (A bit dramatic I know, but I'm upset, so I'm allowed.) This is where the other cheek comes in. I know, deep down in my Christian heart, I should be the bigger girl, turn the other cheek and forgive, but I just can't. And since I can't, my bitterness towards them has festered into something that I don't find fitting to my character. I hate them.

Every time I see them or talk to them or even notice their existence, I give off the energy that they are not welcome near me. I don't say anything rude, or even out loud, but I most definitely dislike their proximity to me and do everything I can to translate it to them by short answers to their questions, lack of eye contact and obvious changes of direction. The discomfort that I feel has even prompted thoughts of moving and/or changing where I attend church.

So today when I read someone's repeated post about one person's attitude being a reflection of what they dislike in themselves prompted me to think, wow, what does all my anger towards these people say about me?

I had posted something on facebook where I shared a belief I had about how it is best if we not compare ourselves to anyone else because then we don't have the expectations that create fictitious ideas of what "good" and "bad" are. One dear friend of mine posted her opinion on it and I'd like to take the liberty to share what she had to say.

 "First we need to love ourselves, in order to love others. I personally feel that people who have love and respect for themselves, have a much easier time than people who dislike or don't respect themselves. Make sense? Love begets love....judgement begets judgement. Once we stop judging ourselves, we can stop judging others. Just my humble opinion ♥"

*sigh* Okay, so obviously I agree with her. And as much as I dislike the idea that I could be in the wrong, I must admit that I am. *grrrr* Not that it excuses at all what they did to me, I must stop treating them the way I have been.

This is not going to be easy, and because I am stubborn, I know it will take some time to completely overcome the urges I have to punch them in the face when they walk by. However, I know my Lord would have me do so. Besides, I don't want to have to ask for their forgiveness at judgement, so I might as well grant them the forgiveness my Savior has asked me to give them.

This whole blog has really brought me inner reflection. I hope it will for you too. I know the next time I reach into my figurative bag to pull out my imaginary poison tipped dagger, ready to throw at annoying people, I will take that second to look at myself in the mirror and find out what is going wrong with me. I am the only thing I have control over in my life. If I'm angry, then I have control over it. If I want forgiveness, I have control over it. If I want to truly be a happy person regardless of whom I encounter, I have control over that. And whatever I send out into the universe, is what will come back to me. So I better be sending out good energy.

So the next time we have anything bad, or ill spirited to say or do towards anyone for whatever reason, maybe we could take a moment to reverse our wise Mother's words and ask ourselves, "What am I jealous of in them?"

She Doesn't Know. . . .

I have been battling with self esteem issues for my whole life. And even at my age, I still have demons that stop me from being positive with myself. For the most part, I simply feel like I don't ever measure up, whether it's in inches or miles, I see myself falling short every day. Most days I can handle it, and try to give myself some slack, but other days are too overwhelming and I cannot stand tall. I'm either not thin enough, not strong enough, not talented enough, house isn't clean enough, dinner isn't good enough, I forgot this, I forgot that, I didn't notice enough, budget's not covering enough, I missed this, didn't go to that, didn't spend enough time here, should be better at this there, should serve more here, don't waist time here, I shouldn't be so tired, etc. Etc. ETC. . . . I'm not good enough! This is what plays in my head each day.

Now I know I can't say "I'm the only one" because I'm not. Pinterest is filled with little funny saying that translate to a cry for help being re-pinned all the time. My most recent one is, "I smile to hide how completely overwhelmed I am." A theme to my blog is, "I'm not that good, I just smile that well" because I have adorned a fictitious smile many, many days of my life just so it will make others feel comfortable. If my face actually showed what I was feeling, no one would sit by me. (Not that they do anyways.) But it's easier for me to fake it, than burden others with what's really going on.

So why is this going on anyway? Why do we, in general, put ourselves down? No one's going to drag you through the mud better than yourself, so why do we do it? My husband compliments me daily and I find it so hard to believe him because what's playing in my head drowns out his words. Is it easier to be on the bottom? Is there less to live up to if we always say we're less than a certain level? What is stopping us from being positive? What is stopping us from being happy with what we can do and who we are?

I love female comedians, and one of my favorites posted something online a bit ago that made me realize the tape that played in my head needed to be erased and replaced with something I do every day anyways. Please take a moment to watch and listen to her advice.

I would never tell any one of my daughters that they are not good enough. Or that who they are is not who they should be. I fill my day for them with compliments and "good job"s, "I'm so proud of you"s, and anything else I can do to get them to feel happy about themselves and what they've done. When did that way of talking stop for myself?

I do believe that regardless of the choices we have made, the way we look, the cleanliness of our homes, the amount of nutrition in our dinners, the intentions that we have and the efforts that we make, our Heavenly Father loves us. And just like the way we speak to our children, He wants us to feel happy about ourselves. I know God is an advocate of happiness. I know that he wants so much for us to find the happiness that is within us. God does not make crap! God does not make someone who is not good enough. It is what we compare ourselves to that changes how we view ourselves. This video was a swift kick in the butt for me. I want so much for my daughters to love themselves, I cannot forget that I am their greatest exemplar.

I hope that each one of you reading this realize how wonderful you are and start saying that to yourselves each day and be happy!

So I ask you this, Are you happy today?