The Only Girl in the World. . . .

So the verdict is in, I can't even buy a date.

There is no Pretty Woman story in my dating history. Nor do I believe there will be in the future, no matter how red my dress is or how pretty I think or feel I am. I had recently secured a date for a formal function. I paid for the tickets, even picked him up and drove to the event. I was so looking forward to this excuse to go out and have a good time. I had bought a formal red dress, exercised and dieted my butt off, and spent almost $100 in pedicures, manicures, waxings and accessories for the night. That being said, I was not looking for anything other than an evening out. A simple date. Earlier in the month, this gentleman caught some sort of wind that I may or may not be looking for more. Even though I would not bark at that concept, I was in no way expecting that. But as a result of this false wind, he was visibly nervous and even seemed panicked around me. I did what I could to put his mind at ease without totally cancelling the evening. As a result I chose to say something to the effect, with him in direct ear shot, that it wasn't a date. That he was simply him, my friend. It was successful! He was back as my friend again and no longer flinched at the mere touch of my elbow. However, I unknowingly killed two birds with one stone. The positive side was that my friend was back and the evening was no longer going to be awkward. The negative side was that I shot myself in the foot and seemingly ruined my idea of a night out.

I foresaw this evening as problematic. As the day approached, I was excited for everything that was going to happen at this special event, but also very apprehensive towards my "date" portion of the evening. Still I trucked on and if I do say so myself, looked absolutely stellar! With my new weight loss, I believe I have never looked so beautiful in my whole life. I began to imagine how it would be to walk into the ballroom with my dashing date on my arm and all eyes upon me. (It was somewhat Cinderella-esc.) Unfortunately, it was nothing of the sort. Upon arrival it was clear that because I was to perform as part of the evening's events, I needed to leave my date and help prepare for the already behind schedule festivities. Once I was able to greet my date before dinner, I found it difficult to even stand next to him. Not for lack of trying, but more that he kept himself out of range in a crowded room. "No matter" I kept telling myself, it's the beginning of the evening and he's socializing with friends. After all, he is a gentleman and I did chose him out of many male friends to accompany me because of that.

The dining hall opened and dinner was served. Our large group made their way to the assigned table where I sat down in my designated chair for my performance. Unfortunately, my date chose not to sit next to me. (I have no idea why.) He sat two chairs over from me. However a dear friend of mine did sit next to me, and he and I had a delightful conversation. Basically the one I had planned on having with my date. The evening was over and as I was gathering my many things, my date was no where to be found. My dear friend however, stood by my side, helping me with my bag, somewhat compensating for the absence of my "date". I was hurt. An all too familiar pain.

At the end of the evening as I dropped of my date, he shot a hasty, "Oh thanks for the invite." as he was shutting the car door. I don't think we touched the entire night. This was the worst date I have ever been on. It would've been better to simply brave the evening alone.

I don't write this to bash my date. He is my friend. He doesn't read my blog and I only know of two people who do, who know who I am talking about. I write this out of frustration in hopes that it will ease my stress. There are many ways of dating, or for a better definition, in getting a date. I think I've tried them all. I've been set up on a blind dates, referred by friends, tried the online scene, flirted my way through an endless sea of inapt men, asked men out, waited for them to ask me out, told them I'd say yes if they did, gone to dances, gone to bars, played the dominant woman, played the helpless maiden, ignored men, gave them my full attention and most recently, I have asked out a friend as a favor, paying the whole way, and still coming up short.

I am at a loss as to what is going wrong. Most people I go to, to find counsel on the subject, have no answer for me. Then there are those who try and cheer me up by giving me the whole, "It will happen for you" speech. Today I had two different people refer me to the book, He's Just Not That in to You. It sort of stings. I also had one tell me how marriage is over rated and how I should enjoy my single life because there is no one to answer to. None of this advice is a consolation for how I feel. In fact, I'm finding it insulting on some levels. This last "date" was not the last sting my heart has experienced. One guy, I would've been willing to bet my life on, was sending me signals that he was interested. I didn't acknowledge them for a while, until another person pointed them out to me. Then I decided to open the door of possibilities and see what would happen. I thought things were moving along gradually until news of him going out with someone else came to light. I am happy for her, because she deserves to have a gem, and well, he is a gem. But now I'm left feeling jaded because I wouldn't have even let my heart go there if it wasn't for his persistence on the matter. I guess my radar of men is honing in on blips that are for someone else, much like the way a heart monitor can pick up the beating of another person's heart standing right next to you.

So I sit and wonder, most of the day, what is it about me that scares the men off? Is it me? My kids? What? Ultimately I would like a husband. I don't think I have ever hidden that notion. But I'm not asking for that from any man I've shown interest in. I am simply asking for a date. Why is that so scary to men? Is it more comfortable for men to be alone? Or is it that they all have Peter Pan complexes and would rather not be tied down? Whatever it be, I'd love some feed back. This is becoming so frustrating. I don't know where to start more improvement in myself. In the same breath, I don't want to change who I am for a guy. Speak up ladies (and gents). I have no understanding of this.

King of Anything. . . .

I'm a big movie quoter. Some quotes are widely known. For example, anything from The Princess Bride. Others are very private and only a joke to those involved. For example, "Someone ate my entire pie! I don't know how that could've happened." It's from one of my favorite movies, Never Been Kissed. I was thinking about that movie today and another very funny quote that is only funny to those involved, mainly me. It goes something like this, "I can grab a bull's balls!" In context it's from a young copy editor trying to prove that she has what it takes to be a top, front page, news reporter. That specific quote is repeated a few times throughout the movie. But basically, she comes off as someone less than qualified, is made fun of for that reason, and then follows her heart by making mistakes along the way and proving everyone wrong. -I think I just made this wonderful movie about dating turn into an after school special, which it is not. I recommend it for anyone who's looking for a light hearted romantic comedy. Also for anyone who feels like it's just easier to brush off the pain of defeat than anything else because you are so use to defeat.

You might ask where I am going with these ramblings? Well, I'll tell you. I myself can grab a bull's balls. In the previous, nameless blog, . . . . I wrote something about myself that stuck with me most of the day. I said, "Everything else in my life I attack and accomplish." It's very true, I'm an Aries and therefore I am stubborn, opinionated, and determined. I love a good challenge, but that's only foreplay in comparison to a challenge under pressure. I'm not feeling the pressure of my dating life by any means. If anything I'm still in the assessment phase trying to figure out my next move. So today, I wondered, why is it that in my dating life I have yet to find my balls? Could it be because I am fishing in the most picky pool next to athletes and actors? (Mormon men that is.) A friend of mine thinks that it's because I am too picky. I think he just wants me to start kissing someone so he doesn't have to hear about how much it sucks that I'm not. Another friend talked to me about how there are no absolutes in dating. Not that he was speaking specifically about me, but that sometimes the risk is just too great and sometimes you get tired of falling. Whatever the obstacle be, it's keeping me from my bull.

If you haven't noticed, I'm quite the analytical person. I don't make moves quickly. They have usually been thought out eons in advance, second guessed, re-arranged, swapped out, taken on and off the shelf, and usually allowed to be dictated by another's opinion. But lately, I have begun to feel the steel grip of courage between my fingers. It will take me lots of practice to twirl those balls in my fingers like David Bowie in Labyrinth, but I intend to learn. A dear friend told me today that any guy who knows me knows that I "attack and accomplish" everything in my life. So if I "attack and accomplish" him, he would know that it's the real me doing the work and most likely find it attractive. I'm liking this logic so much more than any sort of wait and be asked out approach. Please don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want to "attack and accomplish" a guy overnight and wake up in my marriage bed the next morning. Nor do I want to attack and attack and attack until I finally accomplish. I'm merely speaking with a decent date in mind. Natural rhythm and timing ultimately considered.

I guess where I'm gong with this is simple, I can grab a bull's balls. I'm going to go after what I want. I can play the part and be honest braving all those chances of failure but knowing in the end, I did it as myself. I want a guy to fall in love with me. Not the me that plays the games of dating, but ME. I'm quite the catch, and if I plan on being hooked, I'm not going to leave any part of me drowning in the water.

So I ask you this, Have you grabbed a bull's balls today? ;)

. . . .

I am feeling defeated. It's the reason there's no song title on this post. I couldn't think of one. I'm lost, and feeling more like it's a permanent state of being rather than a simple backwards turn on Mapquest. I know that any sort of action I take will be fueled by emotions less flattering than my true self, so I chose to practice my "patience". But what am I waiting for? I have no clue. I think I'm waiting for someone to love me. Someone more than my kids. But is waiting the answer?
Everything else in my life I attack and accomplish. I feel I lead a truly fulfilling life. That everything I have I have been blessed with and am so grateful for. It's the one thing I lack that I'm having a hard time finding the blessing in. I don't believe I'm being too picky. I simply feel that I have been given a second chance at this and I'm not going to screw it up. There are worse things than being single. However, it doesn't discredit the pain I feel for being such. I'm not desperate, or in a hurry, or panicked, or anything like that. (At least I don't think so.) I am smart, intelligent, pretty, stylish, compassionate, supportive, loving, funny, sweet, gentle, blunt, curvy, full of energy, thoughtful, and feeling a real need to share all of this and more with someone else.

As I Have Loved You. . . .

I didn't really think I would jump on this band wagon, but I am.

A couple of days ago I received a letter from my dear cousin who lives in California. It was a heart felt letter trusting me, and other members of my extended family, with the truth that she is bisexual. As I read her words, believing that this printed letter was not her first draft, I was honored by her courage and deeply felt the love she put into each word as she described her journey and the reasoning behind her decision to let everyone in on this personal part of her world. When her last word was read, my heart spilled over with the love I felt for her. I couldn't wait to reply with a personal letter of my own supporting her right to live her life unharnessed and unashamed.

As I began to share my excitement and support for my dear cousin with a member of my family, my pure love bubble was quickly popped by the harsh judgment and negative words my cousin was trying to avoid by writing such a letter. There was no way I could tame the anger and internalized offense this member of my family had for my cousin and the letter she had written. Feeling defeated and somewhat personally offended by the absolute loveless take this person had on the subject, I ran to a sweet friend, venting my frustrations and crying for the pain I knew he must have felt when he chose to be truthful about himself to friends and family. -A little back story on him, when he was honest to his parents about himself and his homosexuality, he was kicked out of his home and found sleeping at the park. When he told me this, before I could even collect my thoughts I had invited him to live with me in a spare room until he was on his feet. I barely knew him at the time, but could not imagine what he was going through being alone and facing such rejection.

My sweet friend was supportive and understood my pain, which only reinforced my firm belief that Love is the only way to live your life. As a very strong LDS member, I have battled with the idea of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community and the perception of it. I firmly believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and his teachings, therefore I do everything in my power to love all those I meet. If I take away anything in this life, I pray that I take with me the pure love of Christ. I cannot fathom the pain and confusion so many people face in this life without the outside forces that add to the demise of a spirit so loved by God.

I cannot shield my cousin from this type of judgment. I believe she's a stronger individual than I and is more prepared to combat what is no doubt heading her way. The only thing I can do is support and love her. Because of my belief in my religion, I chose for myself to follow it's teachings and principles on the subject. I am not gay. It's just who I am. I did not choose this. I have no personal reference therefore feel completely unqualified on the subject. But I have sinned. I have felt the torment of choices and the outside forces involved. I still carry scars that periodically erupt and remind me of one eternal truth. God Loves us all! I have felt his love for me, when I knew what I had done was beyond rational forgiveness. I knew that I would be exiled from friends and family if it came to light. The absolute fear of that rejection set me in front of bottle of pills and one last cry for help. I apologize for comparing one's lifestyle to my own "sin" but I pray you look past that and see the parallels that follow. I would have rather left this world, than face what others thought of me. I would have rather left this world than face the hatred and rejection from those who were to love me most. So I can relate to the pain that so many young people feel when they decide to take their lives over being gay. I urge you all to lead your life with Love, not only in the LGBT subject, but in all aspects of your life. Christ sacrificed his life for everyone. I believe that entitles everyone to the Love of Christ. We are all set on this earth with the Lord knowing full well what is in store for us and what we are capable of. I am humbled daily for His continual atonement and am in awe of the sheer power of His Love. I pray that those of you reading this will take a moment to find that Love within yourself and then share it with those around you, furthering the light and hope that everyone on this earth is a child of God.

The Way We Were. . . .

The last guy I dated was a fantastic guy. A bit nerdy, but all the same a quality guy. At the time, I wasn't ready to become serious with him because something just didn't feel right. So I let him go. The next week he tells me he's exclusive with another girl he was dating while he was dating me. (I had no idea of her existence. And if I did, I definitely would not have kissed him the way I did.) None the less, I moved on and have not dated anyone since. That was eight months ago.

Tonight I was browsing my facebook and clicked on a comment he had made months before. It took me to his page and I read that he was now married to this woman he was dating. I'm happy for him. Honestly. So I sit and wonder as I fight back the tears, Why does this hurt so much? This is now the second ex with similar news that stings me deeply. I guess I figured that I was not going to have as hard of a time dating as I am experiencing now. I went on two dates this summer and neither one called me again. I seem to give off some repellent vibe. When I honestly would love to go out and have a wonderful time.

Anyhow, I'm asking for some advice. Why does it hurt so much to see past loves move on?

I really don't have an answer and am so looking for help because if one more guy I've dated comes up to me and tells me he's getting married, I'm afraid I'll lose it.

What If. . . .

So I've decided that since my last post about being positive, the one I posted, oh, about five hours ago, has come around to bite me in the positive behind. When my kids leave to go with their dad for any amount of time, I try my hardest to fill my days with activities as to not dive into the deep end of the lonely pool. Today I failed at that. I tried to make lunch dates, movie dates, any sort of date, tried to make a to-do list, went shopping, drove around, texted people trying to make conversation, anything that would keep my mind from wondering and landing on the realization of how lonely I really feel. But it seemed that no matter what I did today, I was waved into the grey station of Alone-and-Nothing-to-do-ville. Now, not to drum on the negative, but would you like to hear about my perpetual cherry on top problem? I thought you would. . . .

About two months ago, I was perfectly happy fixating my infatuations upon an unbeknownst gentleman until another gentleman kept giving me signals that would distract me from my happy little course. I ignored them for about a month until I could no longer distract myself from his camouflaged feelings. (Or at least I thought they were feelings.) Without going into too much detail, a couple outside sources confirmed what I was perceiving to be more than just friendly feelings and now, I can't sleep!! So not only do I not have my kids as a distraction until Sunday, I now am feeling extra lonely because of some beau who probably wasn't sending signals my way in the first place. OH I AM SUCH A WOMAN!

Curses be the person who invented the idea that the men need to ask out the women!! Is anyone with me on this one? Or am I alone in this too?

I've Loved These Days. . . .

Have you ever had something bother you? Have it bother you so much that you can't stop thinking about it? Then you soon find yourself tensing up because it upsets you so much that all you want to do is. . . is. . . something! Because you are so angry! I have a cure for that.

I have a friend who has become part of my heart. Her and I talk all the time. Her wisdom has sculpted my spirit into something I deem to be better than it ever was. Each month I basically have new challenges set before me. Challenges that are just that, challenging. Some of them are very difficult for me to master, but I try because I see how much better a person I can be because of them. My most recent challenge, was to be positive. No matter what. -A little back story on me: I am a Pessimist, a Perfectionist, a Co-Dependant Being, I am a performer always looking to be better at her craft, I set up a blog for crying out loud, asking people to critique me and tell me what I am doing wrong. So being Positive, does not come naturally. However I do feel I can take my training wheels off at this point, I've been practicing and consciously correcting myself when I start to fall into my negative patterns. I do have a long ways to go before I can BMX my way through life, but I'm at least balancing on two wheels.

I used to be, and can still tend to be, one who holds on to something emotional. I find it oddly comforting to dwell in the negative world. Feels like comfort to me because of the lack of expectation. (Expectation is another whole blog in and of itself! Perhaps another time.) But when I see it in other people, it forces me to check my dirty hands and wonder, "Is that what I look and sound like?"

Being negative is what comes naturally because we are in a natural state. We are the natural man. However, I don't plan on staying here for long. My goals are to move onward and literally upward. And being positive, is an upward motion. Being positive is of God. Now I can go on forever about how, to me, God is love. God is nothing else. God is not negative in any way. Everything he does is of love. Even when it seems He is punishing us, He is in fact loving us and creating a way for us to return to Him. So if He is who we aspire to be, don't you think being positive is the way to go?

I recently experienced, what I imaginatively viewed to be a train wreck. Words and negative emotions overcame a situation that I viewed to be under control and ended up hurting feelings, and possibly damaging bridges. I will take responsibility in that I didn't get the correct information out in time. But that being granted, the situation still spun out of control and I found myself ready to explode! I had to stop and internalize the situation before I proceeded. A few negatively laced texts slipped out before my grip was successfully tightened and for that I am sorry. The long run has yet to appear, but I do hope it will turn out to have a positive ending.

Being positive is hard. I will be the first to admit that. But being positive is the best way to go. Since my challenge of being positive, I have numerously stopped myself after blowing my negative horn and apologizing to the offended. However, there has been many times where another blows their negative horn at me, and I patiently wait for them to finish but instead of blowing mine back. I would instate the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." And WOW! what a difference it has made in my life.

I hope this doesn't come off as me standing on my soap box, but more like I have a companion at my side and we are knocking on your door with a message. The message is this: Be Positive! It will take you far, make your hind sight a comforting one seeing that you didn't do or say something you could regret, draw people towards you because of the positive energy oozing out your pores, and lower your stress level tremendously. I don't have all the answers, nor claim to. I just love the idea of no one getting to me. I love the idea of having a level head and a loving heart and wanted to share that feeling with you. I will never be a 100% positive person. But I will try.

So I ask you this, Have you been positive today?