You Belong With Me. . . .

I wrote this blog about five months ago and decided to not publish it due to the exposure it may get and the thoughts I had coming to light too soon. Well the scenario I wrote about is long past, however, I do feel that my life is cycler and applies to my life once again.

You can NEVER escape high school! In high school there was a boy that I loved. I so deeply loved him. I day dreamed of him finally coming around and finding me beautiful. Finally coming around and seeing that I was a quality girl worth taking a chance on. Alas, this boy was just too nice to break my heart. So he politely humored me through out my years at school. Though nothing was ever said on the matter between us, things were very clear, at least to me. He was not the one that got away, he was the one that took me to Prom, held my hand, never let me be alone, and did what he could to make up for the feelings he could not reciprocate. Deep down I knew it was a futile effort on my part, but the heart falls even when you don't want it to.

He married a girl worthy of him and I attended their reception envious of what they had.

My marriage fell apart from the beginning. And to survive, I became delusional about my life. Even telling little white lies as to why my husband at the time wasn't at family/social functions. It worked for years. Until the last thing my ex and I held on to about each other started to fade. Now the ten years in between the beginning and the end, I chose not to touch on right now. But I came out of that marriage broken and feeling discarded. I did not recognize who I was. I had done so much to hold on to my marriage/family, that I couldn't even remember what my favorite color was because I had changed it to be his favorite color along with everything else in my life.

Dating has been a challenge. A string of bad men have left me feeling less than worthy of a good guy, though that is what I seek. The Lord knows the prayer in my heart. The Lord has known the type of man I have sought after since I was young, almost to the point of desperation. He is patient with me, ever so patient as I learn to be the picky one. As I learn to change the men, not me.

Any one who has spoken to me recently knows that I HATE first dates. I hate getting to know a stranger with the looming expectation of "love" over my head. It ruins my dates every time. The example being that I am still going on first dates with men that never call me back. Because of this, I am finding parts of my high school self, (my only real dating reference) coming to the surface. Something I didn't mention before about the guy I was in love with in high school is that he was a close friend. I had only one real girl friend in high school. The rest were men. I was blessed to have a close knit circle of friends. It was about 8 solid guy friends that I was more comfortable with than any set of girls I've befriended in my lifetime. And this particular guy was one of them.

As far away from that scenario as I may have tried to go, I find myself facing it once again. I am finding that my heart is falling for a dear friend. One that again, is in a close knit group, is a gentleman always, and I feel I am not worthy of him. Of course he is too nice of a guy to tell me no, and treats me like I have longed to be treated with no effort or special purpose. So this once again makes my life a living hell. The thoughts of him are familiar because I have traveled this road before. The only thing different about this road is that I pray I learned something from my last trip down it, that I learned something that would prepare me for this journey. Either for the foreshadowing disappointment, or the delusional outcome I think about in my quiet moments. Either way, I know the Lord knows what I am going through. I know he has prepared this path for me. And I know that whatever outcome, even if there isn't one, is what the Lord wants me to experience.

My whole life I have wanted to be married, to be a wife and mother, to have a family of my own. And I am blessed beyond measure to have my girls. They are the best thing in my life. And my heart longs to share them with someone. I know the Lord understands this desire in my heart, because he helped put it there. And I know he is making my paths clear. So as I continue on this dating path, I do so with the Lord by side. I do this because I know that whomever I marry, belongs with me. He belongs with me. . . .

Jesus, Take the Wheel. . . .

I am an over analytical person. If you've read my past blogs, I've touched on that several times. I sift through most of everything in my life multiple ways. I've discovered that when I try and do something of grandeur, I fail. When I force something, I fail. It's a control issue that stems from some part of my childhood hidden deep beneath the layers of my subconscious. I don't know why I do it, but I do. That being said, I struggle with this every day of my life. From dating to eating, I try and force things to happen. Now knowing this, I've begun to let go of the wheel of direction in my life and just go with the flow. Allowing instead of forcing. I'm not particularly good at it, but I still try because I want my life to happen naturally and the way it should. There are things that have happened recently to me that have surprised me. Things I've always wanted, always tried to achieve, and usually failed at, but now, see the path of least resistance and am happily skipping down the yellow brick road. I know that there have been many, many days where my heart was angry at God because things in my life were not going as planned. And I know that he heard every thought my spirit felt. He sat there while I tantrumed, cried, threatened and argued my way through the pain of my life. He understood why I did the things I did, the good and the bad. He let each choice teach me something new, and allowed me to try and force my life better knowing it would fail. Until one day, I finally let go. I finally let God take control. Now I'm not saying I won't revert back to my forceful ways, but I am thankful beyond expression for his love and constant direction. I pray that all who read this and all who don't, to let God lead your lives and feel the amazing spirit he brings. It's a New Years resolution worth trying.

So I ask you this, Have you let God take control today?

A Daisy A Day. . . .

A Daisy A Day is a song by Jud Strunk my grandma showed me years ago. It's a story told by a young boy about an elderly couple and how each day this man would go walking with his wife and give her a daisy. Even after her death, each day he'd walk to her and give her a daisy. This sentiment struck me deeply and I have been prepared to sing this song for my grandmother at her funeral ever since. However I was not prepared to sing any song for my grandfather's funeral when he unexpectedly passed away. It was upon my grandmother's request that my brother accompany me on guitar while I sing an old country song for her farm boy. My dad chose the song, Daddy's Hand by Holly Dunn and three days later I sang with all my heart for one of the best men on this earth.

It's now been seven months since his passing and with Christmas approaching, I can't help but think of him. At a recent trip to my grandmother's home, she shared something very special with me. She shared a story about a dandelion and how to the woman in the story, a dandelion was just dandy. My grandma went on to tell me about how she never liked cut flowers and told my grandpa to never give her any because they'd just die. How she'd much rather see roses in her garden than on her table. So with the exception of the occasional Mother's Day corsage, he never bought her any flowers. But each spring, when the grass was new and green, and the chill of winter was gone, my grandpa always brought her in a dandelion from the yard. As my grandmother's voice got shaky and tears streamed down her face, she told me how much she was going to miss that and I could feel her heartbreak as we stood in her now half empty bedroom.

It wasn't a daisy a day for my grandma, it was a dandelion every spring. So when this upcoming spring blossoms and those little yellow bursts of sunshine seemingly explode out of the lawn, I hope one makes it to my grandmother's table. There are many things in this life that remind me of my grandpa, and there are many things that will always be special because of my grandma, but the dandelion will now always be a shining example to me, of their love for one another. I pray to one day have a love like theirs. Simple, vibrant, resilient year after year, fruitful, have roots that grow deep, and is strong, no matter where planted.

Adore Adore. . . .

To Facebook, or not to Facebook. That is the question today.

I've run into an issue that I find silly and yet important. When is it okay to let people onto your Facebook friends list? I've known people who are very selective, like myself, and others who let any and everyone on the list. In an age where digital information is king, is it really safe to let just anyone read what you are doing for the night? Or look at your pictures you post? I find that in the dating world, Facebook can mean all too much. That if you let someone on your list, or if you boot them from it, it sends a serious message. One I find to be trivial at times. (For those of you who've read my past posts on the matter can understand my thoughts.)

Now I know that Facebook is rather juvenile at times and is ultimately a frivolous part of the all too important, bigger picture called life, but I can't help but feel a sense of power in my Facebook profile. I remember shortly after my ex-husband flew the coop, I found it somewhat liberating to change my relationship status from Married to So&So, to Single. I had control over that, and I could let everyone I cared to know, know, without saying a word.

But do we really have all that much power in a Facebook page? Do others really care about the pie you ate for Thanksgiving? Or how cute your dog is? Or what kind of pirate you'd be? Could it be that it's more, WE want others to care about US? I'm sure the same thing could be said about blogging. Just replace all the words: Facebook, with the word: Blog. However you want to read it, I believe it's because we all want to feel important and to be heard and to "accepted".

There are those people in life I simply cannot "accept". There is a reason they are not on my FB friends list and I believe I'm safe to say, we all have those types of people deleted from our accounts. But I'd like, for a moment, to focus on those that we do want on our FB friends list. The ones we do want to have know what's going on in our lives. But more specifically, the ones we have yet to "accept" into our little empowered world.

In life there always needs to be a balance. Good and Evil, Laughter and Sadness, Sweet and Salty (my personal favorite). So with that same sense of empowerment, I feel, also comes a sense of vulnerability. Pictures you may think are funny, can come across in a different light to someone else. Information you found to be personal, can be used publicly against you. Parts of you, you find to be your best, can be your worst to another. Is it all that safe to risk that balance in life? To risk it on something as important, but also, not as important as Facebook?

I know I'm over thinking this. But when have I ever said I don't do that? I guess this whole blog still boils down to: To Facebook or not to Facebook. I think I will. It takes risks in life to get what you want. If you've read my past blogs on doing so, you'll understand that even though my risks are well thought out and somewhat choreographed, they are still risks. And I'll be taking one today. So, I ask you this, Have you Facebooked today?

Only Prettier. . . .

I started a conversation with a political junkie today. I spoke to him about my political views and ways of voting in pursuit of his opinion as to what party I could be classified as. He said I most likely was a Libertarian. I've researched that party and feel I am not completely a Libertarian.

So I ask you this: Does anyone ever completely agree with their associated political party? In my family we have right wing and left wing conversations. Plus, government has never been my strong suit and I find Nov. to be one of the most stressful months of the year. With everyone hammering their opinion down your throat and so many people not taking the opportunity to vote, how does one actually get their political view to make a difference? Does it really boil down to just a touch of your finger every two years or so? Or is there so much more to it than that?

I am not one for confrontation. I find comfort in the respect of other's liberties. Though I do feel government plays a strong hand in our nations survival. Where does one find the balance in politics, does one ever? I'd love to hear back from all of you.

*DING* Fries are Done. . . .

So I had a friend ask me what I was going to do for Thanksgiving. I told him I was going to eat carbs and sleep. He laughed and said, "No, seriously?" I replied with a bit of a chuckle, but went on to tell him how I was planning on doing just that. And boy did I!

Let's start with breakfast:

6 mini pumpkin chocolate chip cookies

1 Diet Coke

1 Dr. Pepper -We ran out of Diet Coke, so it held me over till the others got cold.

Lunch:

1 Diet Coke

Before Dinner:

My home-made cheeseball with Ritz crackers. (Amount, unknown)

My veggies and home-made dip. (Again, amount, unknown)

1 Diet Coke

Oh, and one nibble of dark turkey meat.

Dinner:

2 pieces of dark turkey meat because the white is the dry meat and who wants to eat that??

1 large scoop of mashed potatoes

1 large scoop of stuffing from the bird, not the other less tasty stuff

All smothered in an unknown amount of gravy

1 of my mom's Parker House rolls

Some of my dad's sweet potatoes

1 large scoop of my sister's fruit salad

1 serving of my aunt's Jell-O thingy

And a nice scoop of buttery corn

2nds:

A little bit of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and gravy

1 more roll with butter this time

1 Diet Coke (Which got dumped before I finished it!)

Dessert:

1 Thin slice of pumpkin cheesecake

1 Thin slice of Caramel Pecan Supreme from Village Inn

1 Hazelnut cyenne pepper brownie

1 Diet Coke

The Aftermath:

I'm not going to lie, even after all that, I still ate a few olives as I was cleaning up.

Once the kids were in pj's and in front of a movie with my mom, I went off to play Rock Band with a friend. By that time I was closed for business, not even a drink. Until I got home at 11 pm and decided to watch the rest of the movie I started earlier with one last Diet Coke and one more piece of pumpkin cheesecake. By midnight, I was one satisfied camper.

I sure hope all of you got to spend the holiday the way you wanted to and reflected on the things you were thankful for.

Broken Hearts Like Mine. . . .

It snowed this morning. It snowed almost twelve inches of that heavy, wet, gorgeous, stick to everything snow. It took down tree limbs and power lines and I awoke to a cold, dark room. After a lovely powerless, dark, yet uplifting church meeting, I snuggled up in a few layers and put on one of my favorite Christmas CD's in honor of my old friend winter. This particular CD, Sara Mclachlin's Wintersong, struck up a conversation with my mother on how some songs are timeless and some are tender but not all songs are made for listening only at Christmas time. Two of those songs are my all time favorites, River by Joni Mitchell and In the Bleak Midwinter with original poem by English poet, Christina Rossetti . I listen to these and many other songs, all year long because they bring a sense of tenderness and reflection that should be visited at more times than just Christmas.

I said to my mother, "These are really good songs, because some people are just not happy at Christmas." Our conversation went into depth on this tangent and got me thinking. There have been many Christmases where I didn't even want to put up the tree because I hated the holiday. And even though I do not find that same distaste for the season this year, I do hate that it's coming for one reason. I am alone. Though I'm not truly alone, I do have God, and My Girls and of course the multitude of loved ones surrounding me. What I do not have, is what I truly desire, a companion to share this all with. And just like we all notice the one dirty spot on our otherwise pristine white shirt, I notice this all too much.

However sad my life may seem to me, especially when I go to many adult only functions alone, I do know that there are many who's aches this time of year are just as real to them. This time of year seems to bring, along with it's twinkle lights and price tags, a longing for better times. Times gone by, times yet to come, and times that seem a world away. I know that I will be happy for Christmas to come one day, and pray for those who feel the same way. But for now I will choke up when my youngest talks about us one day being a whole family. Or when I see young love and older love walking hand in hand. Or when I hold the babies of those I am most envious of.

Most of my blogs lately have been seemingly depressing, even to me. So with this one, I simply felt this was a notion in life, that needed to be said. I don't have a miracle answer to give in reference to the aid needed by those who hurt. I wish I did. I only hope that it gets you thinking. People are sad, people are hurting, people are in need of us standing up for what is right and bringing them the light of Christ. My heart aches, not only for myself, but for the knowledge that there are too many souls out in this world who feel the heaviness of life. Too many who are not recovering. I urge you to contemplate this plight not only at Christmas, but all year long too. Share the love that you feel for this season, with those around you who are weighed down with the dark, wet, heavy, stick to your spirit troubles. Don't let it take them down to a breaking point where there is no warmth and no light. I pray for this, with all of my heart, that we burden one another and share the healing love of Christ.

I hope that you enjoy your winter season and I look forward to the days when we all can sing.