I wrote this blog about five months ago and decided to not publish it due to the exposure it may get and the thoughts I had coming to light too soon. Well the scenario I wrote about is long past, however, I do feel that my life is cycler and applies to my life once again.
You can NEVER escape high school! In high school there was a boy that I loved. I so deeply loved him. I day dreamed of him finally coming around and finding me beautiful. Finally coming around and seeing that I was a quality girl worth taking a chance on. Alas, this boy was just too nice to break my heart. So he politely humored me through out my years at school. Though nothing was ever said on the matter between us, things were very clear, at least to me. He was not the one that got away, he was the one that took me to Prom, held my hand, never let me be alone, and did what he could to make up for the feelings he could not reciprocate. Deep down I knew it was a futile effort on my part, but the heart falls even when you don't want it to.
He married a girl worthy of him and I attended their reception envious of what they had.
My marriage fell apart from the beginning. And to survive, I became delusional about my life. Even telling little white lies as to why my husband at the time wasn't at family/social functions. It worked for years. Until the last thing my ex and I held on to about each other started to fade. Now the ten years in between the beginning and the end, I chose not to touch on right now. But I came out of that marriage broken and feeling discarded. I did not recognize who I was. I had done so much to hold on to my marriage/family, that I couldn't even remember what my favorite color was because I had changed it to be his favorite color along with everything else in my life.
Dating has been a challenge. A string of bad men have left me feeling less than worthy of a good guy, though that is what I seek. The Lord knows the prayer in my heart. The Lord has known the type of man I have sought after since I was young, almost to the point of desperation. He is patient with me, ever so patient as I learn to be the picky one. As I learn to change the men, not me.
Any one who has spoken to me recently knows that I HATE first dates. I hate getting to know a stranger with the looming expectation of "love" over my head. It ruins my dates every time. The example being that I am still going on first dates with men that never call me back. Because of this, I am finding parts of my high school self, (my only real dating reference) coming to the surface. Something I didn't mention before about the guy I was in love with in high school is that he was a close friend. I had only one real girl friend in high school. The rest were men. I was blessed to have a close knit circle of friends. It was about 8 solid guy friends that I was more comfortable with than any set of girls I've befriended in my lifetime. And this particular guy was one of them.
As far away from that scenario as I may have tried to go, I find myself facing it once again. I am finding that my heart is falling for a dear friend. One that again, is in a close knit group, is a gentleman always, and I feel I am not worthy of him. Of course he is too nice of a guy to tell me no, and treats me like I have longed to be treated with no effort or special purpose. So this once again makes my life a living hell. The thoughts of him are familiar because I have traveled this road before. The only thing different about this road is that I pray I learned something from my last trip down it, that I learned something that would prepare me for this journey. Either for the foreshadowing disappointment, or the delusional outcome I think about in my quiet moments. Either way, I know the Lord knows what I am going through. I know he has prepared this path for me. And I know that whatever outcome, even if there isn't one, is what the Lord wants me to experience.
My whole life I have wanted to be married, to be a wife and mother, to have a family of my own. And I am blessed beyond measure to have my girls. They are the best thing in my life. And my heart longs to share them with someone. I know the Lord understands this desire in my heart, because he helped put it there. And I know he is making my paths clear. So as I continue on this dating path, I do so with the Lord by side. I do this because I know that whomever I marry, belongs with me. He belongs with me. . . .
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I am an over analytical person. If you've read my past blogs, I've touched on that several times. I sift through most of everything in my life multiple ways. I've discovered that when I try and do something of grandeur, I fail. When I force something, I fail. It's a control issue that stems from some part of my childhood hidden deep beneath the layers of my subconscious. I don't know why I do it, but I do. That being said, I struggle with this every day of my life. From dating to eating, I try and force things to happen. Now knowing this, I've begun to let go of the wheel of direction in my life and just go with the flow. Allowing instead of forcing. I'm not particularly good at it, but I still try because I want my life to happen naturally and the way it should. There are things that have happened recently to me that have surprised me. Things I've always wanted, always tried to achieve, and usually failed at, but now, see the path of least resistance and am happily skipping down the yellow brick road. I know that there have been many, many days where my heart was angry at God because things in my life were not going as planned. And I know that he heard every thought my spirit felt. He sat there while I tantrumed, cried, threatened and argued my way through the pain of my life. He understood why I did the things I did, the good and the bad. He let each choice teach me something new, and allowed me to try and force my life better knowing it would fail. Until one day, I finally let go. I finally let God take control. Now I'm not saying I won't revert back to my forceful ways, but I am thankful beyond expression for his love and constant direction. I pray that all who read this and all who don't, to let God lead your lives and feel the amazing spirit he brings. It's a New Years resolution worth trying.
So I ask you this, Have you let God take control today?
Posted by Heidi at 1:09 PM
Thursday, December 16, 2010
A Daisy A Day is a song by Jud Strunk my grandma showed me years ago. It's a story told by a young boy about an elderly couple and how each day this man would go walking with his wife and give her a daisy. Even after her death, each day he'd walk to her and give her a daisy. This sentiment struck me deeply and I have been prepared to sing this song for my grandmother at her funeral ever since. However I was not prepared to sing any song for my grandfather's funeral when he unexpectedly passed away. It was upon my grandmother's request that my brother accompany me on guitar while I sing an old country song for her farm boy. My dad chose the song, Daddy's Hand by Holly Dunn and three days later I sang with all my heart for one of the best men on this earth.
It's now been seven months since his passing and with Christmas approaching, I can't help but think of him. At a recent trip to my grandmother's home, she shared something very special with me. She shared a story about a dandelion and how to the woman in the story, a dandelion was just dandy. My grandma went on to tell me about how she never liked cut flowers and told my grandpa to never give her any because they'd just die. How she'd much rather see roses in her garden than on her table. So with the exception of the occasional Mother's Day corsage, he never bought her any flowers. But each spring, when the grass was new and green, and the chill of winter was gone, my grandpa always brought her in a dandelion from the yard. As my grandmother's voice got shaky and tears streamed down her face, she told me how much she was going to miss that and I could feel her heartbreak as we stood in her now half empty bedroom.
It wasn't a daisy a day for my grandma, it was a dandelion every spring. So when this upcoming spring blossoms and those little yellow bursts of sunshine seemingly explode out of the lawn, I hope one makes it to my grandmother's table. There are many things in this life that remind me of my grandpa, and there are many things that will always be special because of my grandma, but the dandelion will now always be a shining example to me, of their love for one another. I pray to one day have a love like theirs. Simple, vibrant, resilient year after year, fruitful, have roots that grow deep, and is strong, no matter where planted.
Posted by Heidi at 8:19 PM