Monday, October 25, 2010

The Only Girl in the World. . . .

So the verdict is in, I can't even buy a date.

There is no Pretty Woman story in my dating history. Nor do I believe there will be in the future, no matter how red my dress is or how pretty I think or feel I am. I had recently secured a date for a formal function. I paid for the tickets, even picked him up and drove to the event. I was so looking forward to this excuse to go out and have a good time. I had bought a formal red dress, exercised and dieted my butt off, and spent almost $100 in pedicures, manicures, waxings and accessories for the night. That being said, I was not looking for anything other than an evening out. A simple date. Earlier in the month, this gentleman caught some sort of wind that I may or may not be looking for more. Even though I would not bark at that concept, I was in no way expecting that. But as a result of this false wind, he was visibly nervous and even seemed panicked around me. I did what I could to put his mind at ease without totally cancelling the evening. As a result I chose to say something to the effect, with him in direct ear shot, that it wasn't a date. That he was simply him, my friend. It was successful! He was back as my friend again and no longer flinched at the mere touch of my elbow. However, I unknowingly killed two birds with one stone. The positive side was that my friend was back and the evening was no longer going to be awkward. The negative side was that I shot myself in the foot and seemingly ruined my idea of a night out.

I foresaw this evening as problematic. As the day approached, I was excited for everything that was going to happen at this special event, but also very apprehensive towards my "date" portion of the evening. Still I trucked on and if I do say so myself, looked absolutely stellar! With my new weight loss, I believe I have never looked so beautiful in my whole life. I began to imagine how it would be to walk into the ballroom with my dashing date on my arm and all eyes upon me. (It was somewhat Cinderella-esc.) Unfortunately, it was nothing of the sort. Upon arrival it was clear that because I was to perform as part of the evening's events, I needed to leave my date and help prepare for the already behind schedule festivities. Once I was able to greet my date before dinner, I found it difficult to even stand next to him. Not for lack of trying, but more that he kept himself out of range in a crowded room. "No matter" I kept telling myself, it's the beginning of the evening and he's socializing with friends. After all, he is a gentleman and I did chose him out of many male friends to accompany me because of that.

The dining hall opened and dinner was served. Our large group made their way to the assigned table where I sat down in my designated chair for my performance. Unfortunately, my date chose not to sit next to me. (I have no idea why.) He sat two chairs over from me. However a dear friend of mine did sit next to me, and he and I had a delightful conversation. Basically the one I had planned on having with my date. The evening was over and as I was gathering my many things, my date was no where to be found. My dear friend however, stood by my side, helping me with my bag, somewhat compensating for the absence of my "date". I was hurt. An all too familiar pain.

At the end of the evening as I dropped of my date, he shot a hasty, "Oh thanks for the invite." as he was shutting the car door. I don't think we touched the entire night. This was the worst date I have ever been on. It would've been better to simply brave the evening alone.

I don't write this to bash my date. He is my friend. He doesn't read my blog and I only know of two people who do, who know who I am talking about. I write this out of frustration in hopes that it will ease my stress. There are many ways of dating, or for a better definition, in getting a date. I think I've tried them all. I've been set up on a blind dates, referred by friends, tried the online scene, flirted my way through an endless sea of inapt men, asked men out, waited for them to ask me out, told them I'd say yes if they did, gone to dances, gone to bars, played the dominant woman, played the helpless maiden, ignored men, gave them my full attention and most recently, I have asked out a friend as a favor, paying the whole way, and still coming up short.

I am at a loss as to what is going wrong. Most people I go to, to find counsel on the subject, have no answer for me. Then there are those who try and cheer me up by giving me the whole, "It will happen for you" speech. Today I had two different people refer me to the book, He's Just Not That in to You. It sort of stings. I also had one tell me how marriage is over rated and how I should enjoy my single life because there is no one to answer to. None of this advice is a consolation for how I feel. In fact, I'm finding it insulting on some levels. This last "date" was not the last sting my heart has experienced. One guy, I would've been willing to bet my life on, was sending me signals that he was interested. I didn't acknowledge them for a while, until another person pointed them out to me. Then I decided to open the door of possibilities and see what would happen. I thought things were moving along gradually until news of him going out with someone else came to light. I am happy for her, because she deserves to have a gem, and well, he is a gem. But now I'm left feeling jaded because I wouldn't have even let my heart go there if it wasn't for his persistence on the matter. I guess my radar of men is honing in on blips that are for someone else, much like the way a heart monitor can pick up the beating of another person's heart standing right next to you.

So I sit and wonder, most of the day, what is it about me that scares the men off? Is it me? My kids? What? Ultimately I would like a husband. I don't think I have ever hidden that notion. But I'm not asking for that from any man I've shown interest in. I am simply asking for a date. Why is that so scary to men? Is it more comfortable for men to be alone? Or is it that they all have Peter Pan complexes and would rather not be tied down? Whatever it be, I'd love some feed back. This is becoming so frustrating. I don't know where to start more improvement in myself. In the same breath, I don't want to change who I am for a guy. Speak up ladies (and gents). I have no understanding of this.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

King of Anything. . . .

I'm a big movie quoter. Some quotes are widely known. For example, anything from The Princess Bride. Others are very private and only a joke to those involved. For example, "Someone ate my entire pie! I don't know how that could've happened." It's from one of my favorite movies, Never Been Kissed. I was thinking about that movie today and another very funny quote that is only funny to those involved, mainly me. It goes something like this, "I can grab a bull's balls!" In context it's from a young copy editor trying to prove that she has what it takes to be a top, front page, news reporter. That specific quote is repeated a few times throughout the movie. But basically, she comes off as someone less than qualified, is made fun of for that reason, and then follows her heart by making mistakes along the way and proving everyone wrong. -I think I just made this wonderful movie about dating turn into an after school special, which it is not. I recommend it for anyone who's looking for a light hearted romantic comedy. Also for anyone who feels like it's just easier to brush off the pain of defeat than anything else because you are so use to defeat.

You might ask where I am going with these ramblings? Well, I'll tell you. I myself can grab a bull's balls. In the previous, nameless blog, . . . . I wrote something about myself that stuck with me most of the day. I said, "Everything else in my life I attack and accomplish." It's very true, I'm an Aries and therefore I am stubborn, opinionated, and determined. I love a good challenge, but that's only foreplay in comparison to a challenge under pressure. I'm not feeling the pressure of my dating life by any means. If anything I'm still in the assessment phase trying to figure out my next move. So today, I wondered, why is it that in my dating life I have yet to find my balls? Could it be because I am fishing in the most picky pool next to athletes and actors? (Mormon men that is.) A friend of mine thinks that it's because I am too picky. I think he just wants me to start kissing someone so he doesn't have to hear about how much it sucks that I'm not. Another friend talked to me about how there are no absolutes in dating. Not that he was speaking specifically about me, but that sometimes the risk is just too great and sometimes you get tired of falling. Whatever the obstacle be, it's keeping me from my bull.

If you haven't noticed, I'm quite the analytical person. I don't make moves quickly. They have usually been thought out eons in advance, second guessed, re-arranged, swapped out, taken on and off the shelf, and usually allowed to be dictated by another's opinion. But lately, I have begun to feel the steel grip of courage between my fingers. It will take me lots of practice to twirl those balls in my fingers like David Bowie in Labyrinth, but I intend to learn. A dear friend told me today that any guy who knows me knows that I "attack and accomplish" everything in my life. So if I "attack and accomplish" him, he would know that it's the real me doing the work and most likely find it attractive. I'm liking this logic so much more than any sort of wait and be asked out approach. Please don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want to "attack and accomplish" a guy overnight and wake up in my marriage bed the next morning. Nor do I want to attack and attack and attack until I finally accomplish. I'm merely speaking with a decent date in mind. Natural rhythm and timing ultimately considered.

I guess where I'm gong with this is simple, I can grab a bull's balls. I'm going to go after what I want. I can play the part and be honest braving all those chances of failure but knowing in the end, I did it as myself. I want a guy to fall in love with me. Not the me that plays the games of dating, but ME. I'm quite the catch, and if I plan on being hooked, I'm not going to leave any part of me drowning in the water.

So I ask you this, Have you grabbed a bull's balls today? ;)

. . . .

I am feeling defeated. It's the reason there's no song title on this post. I couldn't think of one. I'm lost, and feeling more like it's a permanent state of being rather than a simple backwards turn on Mapquest. I know that any sort of action I take will be fueled by emotions less flattering than my true self, so I chose to practice my "patience". But what am I waiting for? I have no clue. I think I'm waiting for someone to love me. Someone more than my kids. But is waiting the answer?
Everything else in my life I attack and accomplish. I feel I lead a truly fulfilling life. That everything I have I have been blessed with and am so grateful for. It's the one thing I lack that I'm having a hard time finding the blessing in. I don't believe I'm being too picky. I simply feel that I have been given a second chance at this and I'm not going to screw it up. There are worse things than being single. However, it doesn't discredit the pain I feel for being such. I'm not desperate, or in a hurry, or panicked, or anything like that. (At least I don't think so.) I am smart, intelligent, pretty, stylish, compassionate, supportive, loving, funny, sweet, gentle, blunt, curvy, full of energy, thoughtful, and feeling a real need to share all of this and more with someone else.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

As I Have Loved You. . . .

I didn't really think I would jump on this band wagon, but I am.

A couple of days ago I received a letter from my dear cousin who lives in California. It was a heart felt letter trusting me, and other members of my extended family, with the truth that she is bisexual. As I read her words, believing that this printed letter was not her first draft, I was honored by her courage and deeply felt the love she put into each word as she described her journey and the reasoning behind her decision to let everyone in on this personal part of her world. When her last word was read, my heart spilled over with the love I felt for her. I couldn't wait to reply with a personal letter of my own supporting her right to live her life unharnessed and unashamed.

As I began to share my excitement and support for my dear cousin with a member of my family, my pure love bubble was quickly popped by the harsh judgment and negative words my cousin was trying to avoid by writing such a letter. There was no way I could tame the anger and internalized offense this member of my family had for my cousin and the letter she had written. Feeling defeated and somewhat personally offended by the absolute loveless take this person had on the subject, I ran to a sweet friend, venting my frustrations and crying for the pain I knew he must have felt when he chose to be truthful about himself to friends and family. -A little back story on him, when he was honest to his parents about himself and his homosexuality, he was kicked out of his home and found sleeping at the park. When he told me this, before I could even collect my thoughts I had invited him to live with me in a spare room until he was on his feet. I barely knew him at the time, but could not imagine what he was going through being alone and facing such rejection.

My sweet friend was supportive and understood my pain, which only reinforced my firm belief that Love is the only way to live your life. As a very strong LDS member, I have battled with the idea of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community and the perception of it. I firmly believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and his teachings, therefore I do everything in my power to love all those I meet. If I take away anything in this life, I pray that I take with me the pure love of Christ. I cannot fathom the pain and confusion so many people face in this life without the outside forces that add to the demise of a spirit so loved by God.

I cannot shield my cousin from this type of judgment. I believe she's a stronger individual than I and is more prepared to combat what is no doubt heading her way. The only thing I can do is support and love her. Because of my belief in my religion, I chose for myself to follow it's teachings and principles on the subject. I am not gay. It's just who I am. I did not choose this. I have no personal reference therefore feel completely unqualified on the subject. But I have sinned. I have felt the torment of choices and the outside forces involved. I still carry scars that periodically erupt and remind me of one eternal truth. God Loves us all! I have felt his love for me, when I knew what I had done was beyond rational forgiveness. I knew that I would be exiled from friends and family if it came to light. The absolute fear of that rejection set me in front of bottle of pills and one last cry for help. I apologize for comparing one's lifestyle to my own "sin" but I pray you look past that and see the parallels that follow. I would have rather left this world, than face what others thought of me. I would have rather left this world than face the hatred and rejection from those who were to love me most. So I can relate to the pain that so many young people feel when they decide to take their lives over being gay. I urge you all to lead your life with Love, not only in the LGBT subject, but in all aspects of your life. Christ sacrificed his life for everyone. I believe that entitles everyone to the Love of Christ. We are all set on this earth with the Lord knowing full well what is in store for us and what we are capable of. I am humbled daily for His continual atonement and am in awe of the sheer power of His Love. I pray that those of you reading this will take a moment to find that Love within yourself and then share it with those around you, furthering the light and hope that everyone on this earth is a child of God.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Way We Were. . . .

The last guy I dated was a fantastic guy. A bit nerdy, but all the same a quality guy. At the time, I wasn't ready to become serious with him because something just didn't feel right. So I let him go. The next week he tells me he's exclusive with another girl he was dating while he was dating me. (I had no idea of her existence. And if I did, I definitely would not have kissed him the way I did.) None the less, I moved on and have not dated anyone since. That was eight months ago.

Tonight I was browsing my facebook and clicked on a comment he had made months before. It took me to his page and I read that he was now married to this woman he was dating. I'm happy for him. Honestly. So I sit and wonder as I fight back the tears, Why does this hurt so much? This is now the second ex with similar news that stings me deeply. I guess I figured that I was not going to have as hard of a time dating as I am experiencing now. I went on two dates this summer and neither one called me again. I seem to give off some repellent vibe. When I honestly would love to go out and have a wonderful time.

Anyhow, I'm asking for some advice. Why does it hurt so much to see past loves move on?

I really don't have an answer and am so looking for help because if one more guy I've dated comes up to me and tells me he's getting married, I'm afraid I'll lose it.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

What If. . . .

So I've decided that since my last post about being positive, the one I posted, oh, about five hours ago, has come around to bite me in the positive behind. When my kids leave to go with their dad for any amount of time, I try my hardest to fill my days with activities as to not dive into the deep end of the lonely pool. Today I failed at that. I tried to make lunch dates, movie dates, any sort of date, tried to make a to-do list, went shopping, drove around, texted people trying to make conversation, anything that would keep my mind from wondering and landing on the realization of how lonely I really feel. But it seemed that no matter what I did today, I was waved into the grey station of Alone-and-Nothing-to-do-ville. Now, not to drum on the negative, but would you like to hear about my perpetual cherry on top problem? I thought you would. . . .

About two months ago, I was perfectly happy fixating my infatuations upon an unbeknownst gentleman until another gentleman kept giving me signals that would distract me from my happy little course. I ignored them for about a month until I could no longer distract myself from his camouflaged feelings. (Or at least I thought they were feelings.) Without going into too much detail, a couple outside sources confirmed what I was perceiving to be more than just friendly feelings and now, I can't sleep!! So not only do I not have my kids as a distraction until Sunday, I now am feeling extra lonely because of some beau who probably wasn't sending signals my way in the first place. OH I AM SUCH A WOMAN!

Curses be the person who invented the idea that the men need to ask out the women!! Is anyone with me on this one? Or am I alone in this too?

I've Loved These Days. . . .

Have you ever had something bother you? Have it bother you so much that you can't stop thinking about it? Then you soon find yourself tensing up because it upsets you so much that all you want to do is. . . is. . . something! Because you are so angry! I have a cure for that.

I have a friend who has become part of my heart. Her and I talk all the time. Her wisdom has sculpted my spirit into something I deem to be better than it ever was. Each month I basically have new challenges set before me. Challenges that are just that, challenging. Some of them are very difficult for me to master, but I try because I see how much better a person I can be because of them. My most recent challenge, was to be positive. No matter what. -A little back story on me: I am a Pessimist, a Perfectionist, a Co-Dependant Being, I am a performer always looking to be better at her craft, I set up a blog for crying out loud, asking people to critique me and tell me what I am doing wrong. So being Positive, does not come naturally. However I do feel I can take my training wheels off at this point, I've been practicing and consciously correcting myself when I start to fall into my negative patterns. I do have a long ways to go before I can BMX my way through life, but I'm at least balancing on two wheels.

I used to be, and can still tend to be, one who holds on to something emotional. I find it oddly comforting to dwell in the negative world. Feels like comfort to me because of the lack of expectation. (Expectation is another whole blog in and of itself! Perhaps another time.) But when I see it in other people, it forces me to check my dirty hands and wonder, "Is that what I look and sound like?"

Being negative is what comes naturally because we are in a natural state. We are the natural man. However, I don't plan on staying here for long. My goals are to move onward and literally upward. And being positive, is an upward motion. Being positive is of God. Now I can go on forever about how, to me, God is love. God is nothing else. God is not negative in any way. Everything he does is of love. Even when it seems He is punishing us, He is in fact loving us and creating a way for us to return to Him. So if He is who we aspire to be, don't you think being positive is the way to go?

I recently experienced, what I imaginatively viewed to be a train wreck. Words and negative emotions overcame a situation that I viewed to be under control and ended up hurting feelings, and possibly damaging bridges. I will take responsibility in that I didn't get the correct information out in time. But that being granted, the situation still spun out of control and I found myself ready to explode! I had to stop and internalize the situation before I proceeded. A few negatively laced texts slipped out before my grip was successfully tightened and for that I am sorry. The long run has yet to appear, but I do hope it will turn out to have a positive ending.

Being positive is hard. I will be the first to admit that. But being positive is the best way to go. Since my challenge of being positive, I have numerously stopped myself after blowing my negative horn and apologizing to the offended. However, there has been many times where another blows their negative horn at me, and I patiently wait for them to finish but instead of blowing mine back. I would instate the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." And WOW! what a difference it has made in my life.

I hope this doesn't come off as me standing on my soap box, but more like I have a companion at my side and we are knocking on your door with a message. The message is this: Be Positive! It will take you far, make your hind sight a comforting one seeing that you didn't do or say something you could regret, draw people towards you because of the positive energy oozing out your pores, and lower your stress level tremendously. I don't have all the answers, nor claim to. I just love the idea of no one getting to me. I love the idea of having a level head and a loving heart and wanted to share that feeling with you. I will never be a 100% positive person. But I will try.

So I ask you this, Have you been positive today?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sheer Poetry

I've decided, after being inspired by another blogger friend of mine, to start a poetry blog. I've been writing poetry for almost three years now and figure this would be the best way to get it out there and improve upon the skills I already have. So for anyone who would like to read it, send me your email or contact me and I'll formally invite you to view my blog.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Buses and Trains. . . .


6.2 miles

Last to start, last to finish.

I held my own the entire run, constantly forcing one foot in front of the other. I mistakenly sat and waited with the wrong group of women. When I realized it, my 10k group had left five minutes earlier. (That meant some were already a mile ahead of me.) Ugh! I know I'm slow, but now it's going to be ridiculously obvious my big old legs can only trot at a brisk walking pace. But I didn't care. It was chip timed, meaning I was only in a race with myself. My time didn't start until my foot crossed the starting line, and it wouldn't end until it was drug across the finish line. However, I did pass four ladies along the way, so I wasn't technically last. It just sounds better when I write it that way instead of, Last to start, 689th to finish.

I actually enjoyed running by myself. It was rather peaceful as I pounded my way through the gardens at Thanksgiving Point. I was able to reflect as I continually was directed around seemingly endless bends and pass numerous man-made waterfalls. Eventually I made it to the home stretch. I could see it. I eagerly passed the 5k walkers along the way as I burped up the not too pleasant taste of my energy gummies. My body was tired. I had pushed it beyond any bounds it had crossed before. That last and final 50 yards up hill just about drained all of the energy I had left until I turned the corner and saw the finish line. It was feet in front of me. I began to run faster, and it seemed that the faster I ran, the quicker I began to cry. You could hear families cheering on their runners as they crossed. It was so great to FINALLY cross the finish line. Yet so sad because I didn't have anyone to share this victory with.

As much as I come off being strong and independent, I still long for someone to cheer me on. And I know that it sure seems like every blog I do ends up on the subject of dating. For that I apologize, but it's my reality right now. I am so happy with my life. I NEVER in any of my wildest dreams thought I'd be doing this. I've always been a slow runner, even since childhood when I could do it better. I always lost the race, was always tagged out, and always stuck in the mud. But not anymore. Something that I always tell myself is, Give me enough time, and I'll get it done. It's true for any character I play on stage, for the miles I place behind my on a run, and for the track record I seem to have in dating. Eventually I'll get it done. I may have moments where I sprint forward in excitement or ones where I'm too exhausted to keep going. I may have to stop and take a breather, adjust something that's not fitting quite right, or refuel for the hill ahead. Whatever obstacles are on my path, given enough time, I'll get them done. I'll put them behind me. I'll finish the race.

I look forward to the days when I'm strong enough to not finish last. Just as I look forward to the days when there will be someone cheering my on as I finish the race. Until that day, I ask for enough time. Enough time to train, to practice, and enough time to be patient before those moments come along.

31 years 6 months 5 days

Many roads, many trials, many more

Started when the Lord wanted me to start, Pretty sure he'll let me finish.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Stand by Your Man. . . .

So I just had another mind blowing epiphany while cleaning up my scattered brain matter off the bedroom wall from my previous mind blowing epiphany. I realized that I shouldn't be worried about the whole "Need" thing I blogged about earlier because of this simple truth I will forever stand by: Women like me, who seemingly have it all together, who balance life so well, who may or may not give off the vibe that a man is not needed in their life due to lack of room, necessity, or what have you, only prove that we will treat our man better than anyone else because we fill our life with priorities, and for me, a man is at the top of the list!

'Nuff said.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Help. . . .

I had an epiphany today. Even though I am continually thrown by the lessons I learn in life, today was a particularly mind blowing one.

My new boss and I have way too much in common for us to not be related. I swear we were dropped from the same tree, just five years apart. So today we got into one of our many personal conversations about my life and my now dating life. (Or lack there of.) I was telling her how I feel like men seem to be afraid of me and how I seem to scare them off before they are even fully interested. I expressed to her how frustrating it is because I feel I'm a good catch. I feel like what I have to offer is quality goods and no one even takes the chance to try them out.

She gave me this advice: She told me a story about when she had decided to finally find someone, a friend of hers who ran the psych ward at LDS Hospital, gave her some advice. Her friend told her that when the guy comes to pick her up, that she needed to have something "out" in her home. Meaning something needed to look out of place or a mess. Whether it's a pile of papers or books or whatever it be, it need to look out of place. -Now like my boss, I could not fathom the idea of not having my home look pristine for company. And like my boss, I would spend way too much time before the date getting it all to look that way, from the weeds in the yard, to the grass being trimmed, to the spider webs around the front door, to the carpet tracks in the living room carpet and the toilet paper being folded into a triangle in the small chance my date needed to pee before we left all causing me to possibly be late getting ready for the date. Now I laughed because this is me. My boss was describing me to a "T" as she told this story. In my mind I kept thinking, "Why would anyone not have their house in perfect order for a date? First impressions are a must!" Then when she told me the reasoning, I almost began to cry.

Her psych ward friend told her that when men see your life in perfect order, it gives them the impression that you are not "in need" of them. That you can handle your life so well there is no place for anyone in it. I just about died when she said this because of two things. #1 Since way before my divorce, I came to the conclusion that I was tired of asking for help from my then husband and not getting it. So I adopted the mentality that I could do it on my own. And I did. Then once the divorce happened, I really took that thinking by the horns and began to plow through my life. I have to say to myself every day, "I can do this on my own." because I am on my own. It's a sort of empowering statement for me so I don't fall into the negative thinking that so easily comes with being alone -alone with three kids. Plus if I don't believe that I can do it on my own and then never marry again, what sort of "failure" does that produce? In my mind, a monumental, life portraying one. Because at the very least I could say, Hey, I did it on my own. #2 I want a companion. I ultimately want a husband and to take care of him the rest of my life. I want a husband who I can share everything about me with. I not only want one, but I need one. I feel less than my potential without one. Of course I cannot just up and get a husband. I have to go down the line of steps from fiance, to boyfriend, to dating, to first date, to friends and start at the basic square one. So once again I find myself between a rock and a dateless Friday night.

After this epiphanal moment I headed home and let the previous conversation churn like mud in my mind. What was I to do? I like that I have a handle on most of the things in my life. Would a guy really come in and "save" me? Or do I really need a guy to survive my existence on this earth? Then, how do I, if I chose to leave something "out", send out the positive vibe of needing a guy as apposed to the dreaded desperate vibe??? Needless to say my over-analytical mind has yet to pause for a breath and I exhale in the form of a blog.

I guess I have come to this conclusion. Just as most men need to feel "needed" in a relationship, so do I. I need someone to need the feeling of my fingers through their hair. I need someone to need the warmth of my body next to theirs. I need someone to need the taste of my lips to linger in their thoughts. I need someone to need and want to have children with me. I need someone to need me at their side as we walk into the House of the Lord together. I need him to need all of this and more because I need all of this and more from him. I don't know if I will ever marry again. I definitely have hope I will, especially when a guy looks at me and makes my heart stop and I'm too scared to let him know and then end up scaring him off before there was even a chance. I want to attract a man. A good man. I want him to see how needed he is and how much I would adore him.

I can't really end this blog the way I'd like to. Mainly because I have yet to end my topic of struggle. So now I'm leaving it up to you. I need some help, some feedback. Please share your experiences with me. I'm so ready for a relationship, I just don't know how to go about finding it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Faithfully. . . .

I was introducing the new TV show, Glee, to my jock brother a while back and I'm not sure if he saw something in me in the way I was watching it, or if he felt a forgotten emotion that triggered a slightly out of character question. He asked me that if when I watch Glee, do I miss singing? Does it make me want to sing and dance and be a part of that time in my life again? Now, my younger, yet bigger brother and I do not have much in common, so I had a glimmer of connection with him when I answered a passionate YES! Then he responded by saying, that is what Friday Night Lights, a high school football TV show, does to me. My heart broke for him for a moment because I know how much it hurts my brother to not be playing football due to an injury he suffered in high school. And now freshly out of a double knee surgery, he has sealed his "benched" fate.

This propelled the inner workings of my mind to ponder a fate such as his own. "What if I could no longer do what my heart exists for?"

I do recall a time when I did not perform on the stage. I was married with two kids and doing the mundane tasks of life until I by chance bought a newspaper while getting the daily mail. Opening to the arts section, as I always did first, I came upon the new theatre season announcements for all the local community theatres in town. That feeling of longing for a time gone by came over me as I read each play, dreaming of the parts I would give my left arm to perform. Then it was as if time stood still long enough for me to read three compelling words, Barry Manilow's Copacabana. At the time, Barry was a passionate love affair I paraded around for all to see. So I took it as a sign from God that I should audition for this Utah premier and began preparing for my audition though it be three months away.

After auditioning and landing a prime spot in the chorus, I began to find myself again, not even knowing I was lost. I hadn't been on the stage in over five years. Life had changed so much for me since then that only those who knew me back in the day could recognize the long lost sparks that began to fire within my heart. It was those sparks that lit the path to a once dark, but now set ablaze desire of self expression and what I believe to be a true ability and talent.

Glee has not helped the situation either. Being a girl who always put her life to music and envisioned everyone around breaking into song as she sang her heart out over a daydreamer fantasy, I find myself watching it play out for fantastic characters like Kurt and Rachel only to have it compel my semi-delusional take on life further down the artistic expression road of no return. And in complete honesty, I'm thrilled with it!

Last year I performed in a role that was a physically and emotionally demanding part. Thankfully I had a director who understood the plight larger women can suffer when under the scrutiny of opinionated audience members. In a nut shell, I put my abilities as an actress in question solely based on my dress size. This director forced me, in the best way possible, to take risks. Not only risks on stage, but risks within myself. And in a larger nut shell, I ended up winning as award for that role.

I'm trying my best to keep this particular blog from becoming a metaphor for my entire life, but it appears that I'm failing. However, the blog sometimes writes itself. Something that keeps coming to mind as I try to tie this set of ramblings into a functional piece is something that I have blogged about, and then deleted, and then sort of blogged about again. (Apparently I have insufficiently purged it from my thoughts. So please forgive the repetition.) I believe there are many great things in this world that can overcome one's heart and cause it to beat to a different drum. For my brother, it's sports. He looks like a combination of Stallone and Burt Reynolds. But through that visual, I can see his heart, his passion, and the risks he took to express it. I wonder if in his mind he questions his choices. Or is battling with his newly altered reality. Whichever it is, it's surely causing a flurry of unanswered questions to spin in my mind.

I love what I do on the stage. Whether it's performing in a play, or singing in a musical, or making people laugh on my improv team, I LOVE IT! Thinking about being a part of something like that causes my heart to burn separate from my body and beg to be shared. It's probably borderline clinical. Though I do know it's genetic because I see that same desire for music/performance in my three daughters as they sing their slightly out of tune voices to the songs of Glee without a care as to whom is watching. So I guess instead of asking myself, "What if I could NO LONGER do what my heart exists for?" I should really be asking, "Have I DONE what my heart exists for?" Have I done all I am capable of doing today before tomorrow brings me an altered reality? Have I auditioned for every role I have ever dreamed of playing? Have I sung every song I play in my daydreamer fantasies? Have I opened every door I want to in life?

I can so easily transpose this blog from the dramatic arts, to dating, to even religion. All three things carrying their fair share of weight in my heart right now. Each subject demanding their own risks, or hope, or faith. Life never plays out the way you think it should. Life is not ideal. Life is not an episode of Glee. Life is possible. Life is waiting for you to take that risk and see what happens. So what if you "fail". So what if you have to flash your knickers on stage and be told you are too big to be doing that. So what if your last game of football was indeed your last game. So what if you find yourself alone at 31 with three kids. Is anything like that going to stop you? I surely hope not! You all know that feeling I've been talking about. You all have that fire for something burning within. However, I can only speak for myself and I say this, My passion for life grossly outweighs anything that has altered my reality. And for that I am truly blessed.

So I ask you this. . . . Have you answered the call of your heart today?