Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
For the most part, the difficulty lies in the fact that we have the deepest and most personal insight to the transgression. It happened to us, and only we know and remember the depth our Godly sorrow reached. The Godly sorrow that changed us from the shame of our transgression to the mournful heartbreak our offense towards God truly was. In essence, we went through our own personal Gethsemane. We whole heartedly took upon us our sins and claimed responsibility over them. We spent our days praying, willing to pay the price for forgiveness. We experienced pain, sadness, shame, guilt and humility, among other emotions that weighed us down. Bringing us to our Savior’s feet in search of the healing power only His atoning sacrifice can bring.
For some this process can take a great length of time. It can take such time that we become accustomed to the feelings of guilt, shame and sadness. They become a part of us, they become a part of our identity. Our belief system becomes one of where we tell ourselves, we are not worthy and we are constantly reminded of the things we do not get to do because of our sin. We are being held back until we are worthy to move forward again. So for some, when that moment of forgiveness comes, in that twinkling of an eye when we are changed as it says in 1 Corinthians, old habits can still die hard.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
That logic resonated with me. It stuck with me throughout my day and into my evening with a very charming man. This man has been very honest with me and told me how he cares for me, but that he's not looking for a relationship. It's becoming perpetually more and more difficult to see him because I want something so much more than he's willing to give. Therefore, I always come away heart broken from our outings. So this logic of God not giving us an easy out echoed almost with a laugh at me tonight. I've probably touched on this before, but have you ever wanted something so bad that it's anti-productive?
In aerobics, there's a point of exertion that's called anaerobics. It's where you have your heart rate up so high that it's just burning oxygen instead of fat. Making all your efforts counter productive. You are essentially trying so hard that you are no longer effecting your goal. I think of my grandmother and myself in this notion. She wants to be with her husband so bad that she's no longer living. And I want to be loved by someone else that I'm no longer living. We both put forth such effort to achieve our goal, whether it's in action or thinking, that we become exhausted and ultimately still too far away from our goal.
So how does one bridal that passion of the heart? How do we ignore the pain and try to heal even when every part of our being is engulfed in the trauma of our desire? The only thing I can decide is that I need to focus on something else. Basically ignoring the pain. My grandma has been obsessed with changing things in her home. Going through all of my grandpa's things, removing them from the home. I know most of her kids don't understand why she's doing what she's doing, but I do. It's something tangible that she can focus on to forget the pain. For me, it's running. I foresee it becoming a bit of an obsession. But I'd rather be alone doing something I love, like running than being alone with the reality of why I am.
I haven't given up on the idea of being one in a pair. I don't think I ever will. However, I'm going to need to do my best to ignore it for the time being. One day, I hope to be strong enough to handle it head on. But for now, I'll just deal and try not to want it so much. My efforts in life need to count. My daughter says this saying all the time, "You only have one life. Enjoy it!" Believe me when I say, I plan to.