Saturday, April 23, 2011

Forget You. . . .

The Two Week Curse -or- The Two Week Blessing?

I haven't really decided how I want to state all this, but I have had yet another two week curse encounter in dating. I fondly name it the the Two Week Curse because this last gentleman I've dated is #3 in a line of dates this year alone that seem blissfully happy in a relationship with me until week two comes around and then they seem to disappear much like Houdini or Hugh Jackman. (Mmmmm Hugh Jackman!) Anyway, they seem to be very eager and dominating the relationship's direction until one day they just stop contact with no explanation at all. Now I'm a big girl and can handle someone telling me that they don't want to see me anymore, or that they're not ready for dating, or that their cat is sick and need to spend all of their spare time tending to it's every need. I can handle that. What I can't seem to grasp is the cowardly way that men just run from any sort of confrontation in dating. I believe I will never fully understand why men play these games and state "no drama" when they themselves are players and dramatic artists.

So this rant now leads me to reflect upon a previous post, You Can't Always Get What You Want. . . . As funny as it sounds to call my dating life a curse, and I will continue to do so for humorous purposes only, I so believe it is a blessing. It makes me laugh to think that any of those men could possibly be worth my time. Their fear of being honest is one of the biggest signs to me that I just dodged a bullet. And not just any bullet, but a bullet that would end up breaking my heart. Or a bullet that would suck all the positive energy right out of my day. So I smile, laugh quite a bit and move on.

So I ask you this, Have you laughed at someone today?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Kill. . . .

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning that prompted me to write a long email about an experience I once had, which brings me to the question of the day. Have you ever had something you loved be ruined by past relationships?

I almost laugh at this question because it can seem so ridiculous to outsiders but absolute to those it's affecting. For example, my ex loved two bands more than just about anything. He'd listen to them constantly and I half way blame them for the drastic change in his character that lead to our divorce. One band I could just leave well enough alone. But the other, I actually liked quite a bit. Unfortunately I cannot enjoy most of their music because I keep envisioning my ex singing the lyrics and the parallels between them and his life start to upset me. To some they'd say I was being petty, or childish, but to others, they can completely understand that I am just not ready to like that band again.

So why do we put such emotional attachments, good or bad, to things that don't really matter? Does that band really matter to me? Does that band mean enough in my life span for me to harbor anger in? Or does my ex mean that much to me still (or do I hate him that much) that I would let him spoil something I once loved?

I was married to my ex in the LDS Salt Lake Temple in 1998. I entered in there only one time after that because of my brother. However because of the decline in my ex's desire to go back there with me, my love for that once memorable place began to be tainted with negative feelings and resentfulness. After 12 years away from that temple I decided I wasn't going to let my ex keep me from the place that once was my childhood aspiration. I wasn't going to let him ruin it for me. I got a friend to go with me and keep me on my course. (He had no idea what I was trying to do.) I cried most of the time because the pain was very real for me in there, but I came out a new woman. I came out a woman who remembered how important and sacred that place is. It is no longer a place I dread to go. In fact I can positively say it is my favorite temple to visit.

We choose what to do with our own power. Sometimes we give it away to others, letting them direct our lives. Other times we hide it away by not doing anything at all. And other times we take a hold of our power and use it to create something that will forever shape who we are for the better.

I ran across a t-shirt about a year ago that made me angry. It was a man's shirt that said "No Fat Chicks" with a picture of a cute fluffy chick under a prohibition sign. I was practically livid at the sight of it, being that I am a fat chick. Then I suddenly had this moment of brilliance. I decided to buy it and wear it proudly. And I do. I wear it to the gym. I get so many women smiling at me as I'm working my fat tail off that it makes me proud I turned that offensive t-shirt into a positive anthem, in my most humorous and somewhat demented way.

I don't know how much longer I will quickly change the channel on my radio when particular songs come on. Or cringe at the sight of certain classic rock t-shirts. I'm not sure I will ever cross that bridge. But I do know it's possible to flip it. To take the power I would be giving away and make it part of my own powerful self. To grow from it instead of having it deplete me. We are all powerful beings and we ultimately decide where that power goes.

So I ask you this, where have you put your power today?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Good Day. . . .

"It's gonna be alright. No matter what they say. It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see. It's gonna be okay cuz I'm okay with me. . . ."

Funny thing about those lyrics, I found myself listening to them at 10:30 pm, alone in my bed, in a bit of a down mood. Needless to say the irony was not lost on me. I laughed it off and then began to imagine myself saying the words to the song. Suddenly my bit of a sad mood began to change to a more pumped up, cheerleading pep rally sort of mood. So much that I jumped out of bed, turned on my computer and began to write.

Have any of you toyed with the notion of positive thinking? And I mean real positive thinking? Positive thinking where nothing will get you down? Not even Jury Duty? Well this has been an endeavor of mine for the past month. Anytime I feel myself getting angry or sad or disappointed or even stressed, I literally stop myself and say NO! Tell myself this will get me no where and choose to change those thoughts or feelings from the negative to the positive. This is no easy task. Years of self doubt and a constant need to please others has always left me with a deep level of sadness in my life. (Especially now that I'm dating, rejection is the main course.)

Something that has helped me is music. Music speaks to me deeper than anything. It's like the private language of my heart and soul. So when a friend told me to make a playlist on my mp3 of songs that uplift me, I did. (Funny side note, I don't have an ipod, I own a ZEN media player. Zen meaning meditative state meaning state of enlightenment. ~Just thought I'd throw that in for good measure.)

Now getting back to the aforementioned song, I tend to listen to music in terms of music videos or live theatre. Basically play them out in my head. You could say I listen in creative 3D. So as I laughed at the lyrics Jewel was singing I imagined myself actually cheering up. Actually saying the words that created a visual "Happy Heidi". The thoughts of my seemingly less than happy evening of retiring to my little twin bed alone began to lift and change to all the wonderful things that led me to my exhausted state. All the hugs and kisses my girls gave me today, the chance to make a wonderful dinner for my family and enjoy it with them, the spiritual enlightenment I received even though a daughter was sick and I missed church, my daughter feeling better by mid-day, getting all my needed laundry done for the week, my sparkling clean bathroom, the chance to talk with friends, the many text messages that brightened my day, etc. etc. and etc! I could go on forever completely destroying my sad thought of going to bed alone, but you get the picture.

I'm probably too tired at this point of the evening to actually make sense of this blog, but I want to challenge all of you readers to think positively. Find the silver lining, or in my case green lining because green just makes me happy, and live and breath that. Be happy with who you are today. Love who you are today, tomorrow, and every day after that. Finding happiness today is the only way it will find you tomorrow. I urge you to just try it. Find what lifts your spirit most and use it to your advantage. Whether it's music, books, or twitter, say NO to the negative and welcome in the positive. I guarantee it will change your life. It has changed mine.

So I ask you this, have you noticed if the stars are bright tonight?

Firework. . . .

So it's been a rough weekend for my girls. I don't usually talk about them on this blog, but I feel like this topic is one that all parents face. How do you protect your kids from the disappointment and heartbreak you have no control over?

My two younger girls recently auditioned for a popular musical. They received call backs and could not have made me prouder by their performances. I was beaming with pride for the courage and strength they showed standing there on their own, singing their hearts out in front of strangers, and baring vulnerable parts of themselves to people who could so easily crush their spirits. It was definitely a Mama Bear moment.

Unfortunately, my girls did not make the cast.

I have not told them yet. I am in such fear because I will deliver news that I know is going to deliver tears and I am not prepared to watch them hurt over something I cannot control. Is a parent ever fully prepared to witness such pain of a child? I don't think there is anything in life that would make this part of parenting any easier. However, here we are, at the front of this lifelong battle.

When I was recently divorced, I took it hard. My long battle to become whole again took me places that were less than my parent's ideal. I went through a very dark time and hurt quite a bit. I watched my parents panic because they didn't know what to do for me. My dad broke down to me one day saying, "I don't know how to fix this." And in complete honesty, I didn't want him to, nor felt I was even broken in the first place. But what he did next surprised me. He said "Go". Go and do what you need to do, whatever it is, go do it. And with those words of wisdom he handed my life over to me. He didn't abandon me, but he let the pain of my life take it's course and heal the way God wanted it to heal.

I think of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father and their relationship to us on this topic. Heavenly Father weeped and hid at the edge of the universe when his Only Begotten Son suffered pain and heartache on the earth. When Christ died on the cross, God could have so easily taken that suffering from him. But he didn't. He stood by and let it happen. God stood by knowing that it would make all of us stronger because of the experiences it would create.

Like the experience with my dad, Heavenly Father has told us to "Go and do". He has handed our lives over to us and stands with us as we face the battle front of our own mortality, knowing full well that each experience will create a stronger, more prepared spirit for the next phase in life.

There are many tragic things in this life that some of us must face. There are many trials that are seemingly not right. That they are not how things in life should play out. But, unfortunately they do. It would be wonderful if we were saved from the pain of this life. Saved from the places that are less than ideal. But if God did that for us, if our parents did that for us, would we be prepared for anything in this life?

Standing by is not something this Mama Bear wants to do. I want to growl and fight to protect my girls from all that would pain them. But what a disservice I would be giving in return. So instead I chose to give them love. I chose to be like my Father in Heaven and love my children no matter what road they travel on in hopes that they will focus on that more than the pains that strike deep. That they will seek that love continually in their lives and grow strong enough to not let the trials in life keep them down.

Life is so hard. Giving love is not. So I ask you this, have you loved your kids today??