Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Kill. . . .

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning that prompted me to write a long email about an experience I once had, which brings me to the question of the day. Have you ever had something you loved be ruined by past relationships?

I almost laugh at this question because it can seem so ridiculous to outsiders but absolute to those it's affecting. For example, my ex loved two bands more than just about anything. He'd listen to them constantly and I half way blame them for the drastic change in his character that lead to our divorce. One band I could just leave well enough alone. But the other, I actually liked quite a bit. Unfortunately I cannot enjoy most of their music because I keep envisioning my ex singing the lyrics and the parallels between them and his life start to upset me. To some they'd say I was being petty, or childish, but to others, they can completely understand that I am just not ready to like that band again.

So why do we put such emotional attachments, good or bad, to things that don't really matter? Does that band really matter to me? Does that band mean enough in my life span for me to harbor anger in? Or does my ex mean that much to me still (or do I hate him that much) that I would let him spoil something I once loved?

I was married to my ex in the LDS Salt Lake Temple in 1998. I entered in there only one time after that because of my brother. However because of the decline in my ex's desire to go back there with me, my love for that once memorable place began to be tainted with negative feelings and resentfulness. After 12 years away from that temple I decided I wasn't going to let my ex keep me from the place that once was my childhood aspiration. I wasn't going to let him ruin it for me. I got a friend to go with me and keep me on my course. (He had no idea what I was trying to do.) I cried most of the time because the pain was very real for me in there, but I came out a new woman. I came out a woman who remembered how important and sacred that place is. It is no longer a place I dread to go. In fact I can positively say it is my favorite temple to visit.

We choose what to do with our own power. Sometimes we give it away to others, letting them direct our lives. Other times we hide it away by not doing anything at all. And other times we take a hold of our power and use it to create something that will forever shape who we are for the better.

I ran across a t-shirt about a year ago that made me angry. It was a man's shirt that said "No Fat Chicks" with a picture of a cute fluffy chick under a prohibition sign. I was practically livid at the sight of it, being that I am a fat chick. Then I suddenly had this moment of brilliance. I decided to buy it and wear it proudly. And I do. I wear it to the gym. I get so many women smiling at me as I'm working my fat tail off that it makes me proud I turned that offensive t-shirt into a positive anthem, in my most humorous and somewhat demented way.

I don't know how much longer I will quickly change the channel on my radio when particular songs come on. Or cringe at the sight of certain classic rock t-shirts. I'm not sure I will ever cross that bridge. But I do know it's possible to flip it. To take the power I would be giving away and make it part of my own powerful self. To grow from it instead of having it deplete me. We are all powerful beings and we ultimately decide where that power goes.

So I ask you this, where have you put your power today?

1 comment:

  1. Nice post, Heidi. =) Love the teeshirt thing. Mine is the Denver Broncos--used to love them, now I just like them due to negative influences of a few people who liked them too, and one football player who gave me an inside view of football in general. But no biggie--football is just a thing. The temple, now that is something to continue to cherish. Way to go, and get us all thinking. =)