Space They Cannot Touch. . . .

I haven't blogged in a while, and I feel it was due to a shift in my thinking. As most of you who read my blog know, I usually write about my dating life on here. My last post was around the time I started dating someone exclusively, but upon our break-up I wondered why I started dating him in the first place. I've dated since then and realized he was so far from what I truly wanted, I feel almost ashamed I called him my boyfriend.

So why did I chose to call him that? Why did I accept that as my best?

In early spring I wrote a talk that I needed to give in church about forgiving yourself. I remember that the member of the bishopric, a close neighbor, actually dropped by the house to ask me to speak. I almost laughed out loud because there was no way of me avoiding this moment. He was standing at my door asking me, how could I say no to that? Deep inside I was honored to be asked to speak because I rarely get asked, but when he told me the topic I almost started to cry because I knew the Lord wanted me to speak on this subject so I would listen.

I'd like to share a part of that with talk with you. The question raised is why some people have a hard time forgiving themselves.

For the most part, the difficulty lies in the fact that we have the deepest and most personal insight to the transgression. It happened to us, and only we know and remember the depth our Godly sorrow reached. The Godly sorrow that changed us from the shame of our transgression to the mournful heartbreak our offense towards God truly was. In essence, we went through our own personal Gethsemane. We whole heartedly took upon us our sins and claimed responsibility over them. We spent our days praying, willing to pay the price for forgiveness. We experienced pain, sadness, shame, guilt and humility, among other emotions that weighed us down. Bringing us to our Savior’s feet in search of the healing power only His atoning sacrifice can bring.

For some this process can take a great length of time. It can take such time that we become accustomed to the feelings of guilt, shame and sadness. They become a part of us, they become a part of our identity. Our belief system becomes one of where we tell ourselves, we are not worthy and we are constantly reminded of the things we do not get to do because of our sin. We are being held back until we are worthy to move forward again. So for some, when that moment of forgiveness comes, in that twinkling of an eye when we are changed as it says in 1 Corinthians, old habits can still die hard.

When God forgives us, the scriptures say that “He remembers our sins no more.” This does not mean that our all-knowing Father in Heaven forgets our sin, but rather he chooses to not bring up our sin in a negative way. Forgiving yourself is not about forgetting. It is about not bringing up the offense to yourself in negative ways. Forgiving yourself is simply letting go of what you are holding against yourself so that you can move on in Christ.

This talk filled my thoughts late last night as I pondered past relationships, including my former marriage. I realized that in relationships, because of my less than perfect past, I was seeking to be accepted over what was acceptable. (After my divorce, I literally felt like a discarded piece of trash.) I needed to be accepted by others because I wasn't accepting myself. I wasn't letting go of who I was which stopped me from believing in who I am now.

So I now look at life a bit differently after I finally listened to my own words. I have to put all of my trust in the Lord just to survive my day. He knows the intent in my heart, and if I listen, he will guide me to where I need to go. He is the one that accepts me, and if he loves me, I trust him enough to love myself.

God is not only okay with us liking ourselves again, He prefers it that way.