I have felt like an outsider in my ward ever since our stake realigned the boundaries 9 months ago. Also with my job, I have had to deliver a firm hand to many ward members creating a not so welcoming relationship connecting me to the ward. Needless to say, I am invisible to the ones I seek to connect with and make myself invisible to those who I try and avoid. Not the best situation I've created for myself and if you happened to read my last blog about my ward, my feelings toward the whole thing are rough.
So, why do I bring this up? Well only for me to write down one revelation for myself. My cousin commented something on my last aforementioned blog that has sat inside me and grown into a bit of light.
"Church is just chaos and imperfection coming together for one purpose."
I feel like defending myself with that thought because some people in my ward think I'm losing my faith and I so very much want to tell them my faith in God has not wavered. In fact I've grown closer to him now than any other time in my life. But it's my tolerance for the ward that has weakened and this bug of a thought my cousin planted in me is what's keeping me in attendance.
I know for whatever reason, I'm suppose to be here and I'm suppose to learn something important to my character. So this is why I still attend church. And yes I am writing this during church, sitting here listening to the missionaries speak. And no my faith has not left me. I just don't like being here.
I've lived in "hard" wards too. All I can say is I'm sorry and I hope you find a connection, even just one to help you through it.
ReplyDeleteOh lady. I'm so sorry. That's always so hard. With that being said you are a FAR better person than me. Being at the weird age of 32 and single my wards never know what to do with me (because I refuse to go to the single/student/whatever they call it now wards-although this did happen there too). I have one of two things happen-I'm either written off as a 'lost cause' and ignored completely, or made into someone's pet project. Although I want to know people know who I am, I don't want them to learn about me because they 'have to' or be fawned over, ya know?
ReplyDeleteThis has led me to stop going altogether. Is it a dumb reason for not going and do I know it? Yep. Has my faith wavered? Some, but I still have a firm testimony in the Gospel.
So the fact that you still go in spite of all the garbage makes you an amazing person. Too many people (myself included) use that as an excuse to fall away.
I feel sad that you don't like our ward. I will admit that when we were first put in this ward I had a very hard time. However I had to just step outside myself and make it a point to 'bloom'.
ReplyDeleteI do hope that I am not any contribution to the reason you don't like being there.
I do notice every Sunday that you are not there and wish you were with us.
XO
Kandis