Mama. . . .

I believe everything in life can be boiled down to one reason, and one reason alone. Power. Life is all about power. We are either giving it, receiving it, controlling it, stealing it, holding it over someone, lifting someone up because of it, and/or identifying ourselves by the large amount of or lack thereof. Power is the reasoning to life's struggles or the reason there are none.

I read an article today about a daughter of famous, The Color Purple author Alice Walker. In this article, daughter Rebecca, writes about her struggle against her Mother's ideals and way of life. I urge you to take a moment and read her story.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021293/How-mothers-fanatical-feminist-views-tore-apart-daughter-The-Color-Purple-author.html

Rebecca's struggle for approval from her Mother and her battle for her own identity struck many chords of thought that are now playing in my mind like the symphony of a child's first encounter with a piano. They are all over the place.

I want to first discuss the Parent-to-Child relationship angle. I think as parents, one of the most difficult moments we face is when our children strike out on their own, and choose for themselves. Especially when they choose against what we had envisioned for them or raised them to be. There are many times as a parent of a blossoming, attitude driven teenager, I find myself struggling with the fact that I am losing power over her, because of the power she has within herself to make independent choices and ultimately become an independent person.

So how much influence do we really have over our children? Are we really in control of their upbringing? Or are we merely exemplars they can or cannot follow? Let me bring to light another point the article brings up. Divorce, or the Parent-to-Parent angle.

As a divorced parent, I see the dramatic difference my children face when with one or the other parent. I consider myself to be an open minded, open loving, Christian that lets my faith fuel my choices but not get in the way of someone else's. I dress conservatively with a mild mannered sense of flare and colour in my fashion and wardrobe. Sir and Ma'am are common place in my vocabulary and I enjoy the uncommonly used phrases that add humour and dynamic to an otherwise bland palette. I love being creative and consider myself musically inclined. I also find great joy in service, I teach the youth on Sundays at church and the idea of pleasing others is at the top of my list. I am LDS and very proud of it. I parent with an iron fist at times. Rules, chores, privileges and consequences, along with family unity is how I run my home. In a caricature, I'd say I look like this, the one on the left:

My ex on the other hand is someone who is of a "dark" nature (his words, not mine-though I agree). He wears make-up, paints his nails, dyes his go-tee odd colors like purple or blue, has tattoos, piercings, smokes and drinks, and almost always wears black. He is musically talented and plays guitar and bass in multiple bands or projects-all music that is of a "darker" design, like goth, scream-o, or heavy metal. Most of that music I find inappropriate for my girls to view. He is open and liberal. He is kind and I see how much he loves his girls. He is not religious and is not around my girls very often (his choice, not mine). And when he does have them, there are no rules, no consequences, and no real structure. In a caricature, I'd say he looks like the guy in the above picture, on the right.

 

Can you see the dramatic difference my kids encounter when at either parent's home? My ex and I are opposites. I am terribly aware of this contradiction between ourselves and parenting style, but as we both have rights to our children, we also have rights to teach and influence them based upon our own ideals. As in the article about Rebecca and her Mother, Alice, I know my girls battle between their parents. They may not verbally express their stress between the two worlds, but I can see it tear at them when deciding what lifestyle is acceptable to them. And now that I am remarried to someone more similar to myself, I can also see the easier way parenting can be by having the same perspective and execution in parenting. As well as it's direct impact upon my girls. They do not struggle nearly as much between Myself and my Husband as they do with Myself and their Dad.

So again, how much control do we have over our children's choices? Expectations, limitations, and control are placed upon kids every day. Do this, do that, No, Yes, etc. etc. etc. Each day of their lives are patterned by the power, or lack of power we place over them. Most "parental power" is used in a positive way, to sculpt and guide our children into adulthood. Unfortunately, it can also be used negatively and cause issues for them in their lives.

As a parent, I tend to reflect upon my own childhood in order to raise my own children. Let's look at the Child-to-Parent angle. As a child/teen/adult, we struggle for our own identity separate from that of our parent's. For me, I wanted to please my parents to no end. I was crushed any time they didn't approve of me. The slightest negativity still haunts me to this day. My parents gave a certain expectation of how I should turn out and I did all I could to live up to that expectation. I felt like if I didn't they viewed it as a reflection of them and I held the burden of their disappointment on my shoulders. But once I reached crossroads where my very own individuality was to be it's strongest, I failed. Why? I believe I failed because I didn't really choose for myself who I wanted to be. I let other's expectations dictate my choices. It wasn't until I was around 30 years old that I really discovered who I was, who I am. It was a "breaking free" time in my life to really choose for myself my own path. I challenged every expectation placed upon me and took back the power I'd let others have over me.

I believe most children do this. There is usually a stage labeled as rebellion one will go through in order to gain the power needed to become their individual self. Some times that means going against what Mommy & Daddy say, or what Society says is appropriate or correct, to get there.

Some of the things I challenged were, to name a few:

Religion

Appearance

Social acceptance

Family Unit/Unity

Stereotypes

I decisively went against what I was raised to believe in on these subjects and more, to be able to choose for myself what I honestly believed in. So if I did it, why would I say my girls can't? Well, it's because I made some mistakes on my path to individuality and self discovery and I want my girls to not make the same mistakes. So I use as much of my "power" as I can to keep them from making those poor decisions. But bottom line, How would you as a parent feel if your kids went completely against your parenting and chose something else, something ultimately opposite?

In Rebecca's article, she did just that. She chose the exact life opposite of her mother's. In spite of everything her Mother did to teach her one way of life, Rebecca chose what was more natural to her. It was a life long struggle of power. Rebecca let her Mother have such power over her that she was still heartbroken when she finally took that last step into owning the power for herself and disappointing Alice.

This power struggle between Parent and Child is a daily lifestyle. It's somewhat the definition of what that relationship is, a power struggle. Parents hold power over their children by setting rules and boundaries. Children take that power upon themselves and break given rules and boundaries. Which in turn, they place power over their children and then those children break those rules/boundaries and so on, and so on. It's a cycular pattern. So now I go back to my original question, Are we really in control over our children's lives?

The answer is No. We are only in ultimate control of our own choices. We cannot make our children follow one path or the other. We can only do everything in our power to convince them our path is the path they should be on. And we do this by setting said rules and being the equivalent example of such in hopes that they follow suit.

I am very much afraid that any one of my girls will follow their father's path. I dread the day that one of them comes home with an odd placed piercing, or hasty chosen tattoo. I am their mother and so it is innate that I worry for them. Will I be okay with a tattooed daughter? Will I be okay with a "darker" version of what I envisioned them to be? I don't know. All I can do is continue what I can by implementing structure and by example, live the life the way I feel it is best for them, whether it is what they choose is best for them or not.

So I ask you this, What type of power do you really have?

Which Part Is Mine. . . .

I have had an itch to write all week, but couldn't decide what to write about. I have about 3 blogs rolling around in my head at the moment but have decided to write about something completely off subject. My ex.

Well not exactly about my ex, but more about my past marriage and all my fears that were involved with it. Since my divorce, I have noticed a few lady friends that were/are in the same boat I was in and felt the need to help them in some way, but never really knew how. For example, how do you tell someone they are in a bad marriage?

I must first state that I am not an advocate of divorce. However, I am an advocate for happiness, and sometimes that is the result of you finding your happiness.

Not really knowing where to begin, I'll say this, at age 19 I had never really had a boyfriend but knew all I wanted to do in life was be a wife and mother. I didn't even want to pursue a career because I was going to be a wife and mother. And not just any wife and mother, but a damn good wife and mother. So I went to college not for an education, but to find a boyfriend. And I did. I found a very handsome man who was a return missionary and was interested in me. (What else does a naive 19 year old LDS girl want? Right?) It felt amazing to have someone like me. To really like me. And not just the, ya you are awesome can you hook me up with your friend like me, but the I think you are beautiful like me. The I'd like to make-out with you like me. The I want to marry you like me. It was wonderful and exciting and satisfying to have someone genuinely like fat, old, ugly, me. To have someone make me feel pretty, and wanted, and feel like a swan. Unlike every boy before that always made me feel like an ugly duckling.

So what else does a 19 year old naive girl do with that boy? I married him.

There were flags, huge blatant flags that I ignored because I loved him. Huge, bright colored flags dripping with excrement I let fly because I wanted him to love me.

It was as if I let everything that made me, me, shrivel up and die because I wanted him to love me.

I was very defensive and protected him more and more as it was more and more evident to everyone else but me, I was unhappy. It was as if the colors of my spirit went from the bright pinks and greens of spring to the charcoal colors of a bleak January. I was torn. And this tear was sometimes unbearable because I now had three girls with him. The guilt I felt for not being blissfully happy with my marriage weighed on me four fold because it now affected my girls as well. I knew that every choice I made affected the person they would become as an adult, and this frightened me.

I knew deep down I needed to try. I needed to put forth every effort I could to make my marriage work. I didn't want to stand at judgement and have the Lord tell me I didn't do enough to keep my family together. So I kept trying, until one day, I just couldn't any more. After ten years I knew my marriage was over. A part of me welcomed the release and the other part of me still  held on for dear life.

Once it was over, I realized I didn't know who I was any more. I literally didn't know my favorite color, what my favorite food was, or even what make-up to wear because I'd changed all of that to try and please him. To try and get him to want me. All those years, all that compromising, all the excuses and trials and pain and yes, even joy, I felt still left me feeling like an ugly duckling.

I felt raw. Like someone had skinned me alive and left me in a cool breeze.


So why bring all this up? Why . . . . pick at old wounds? I say all of this because I know for some, they are very fresh and real wounds to them. I say this so they know, they are not alone. That someone else has gone through it and survived. I have survived. And so will you.

I DO NOT regret my first marriage. I DO NOT hate my ex husband. I DO NOT EVER wish to change my past. My past is what helped create who I am today, and I only ever look back as a motivator to continue forward. I love my ex because he gave me three beautiful girls. I love my divorce because I discovered strength within myself I never knew I had. I love my past marriage because it taught me everything I truly wanted in life. Again I will state, I am not an advocate for divorce. I do not state that it is the answer for all your troubles. But I will say without happiness, you will shrivel up and die inside. It will create an endless ache in your chest that will only pull you in like a black hole each time your heart breaks. The more you put your happiness in the hands of another, especially someone who does not cherish it, the more your heart will break each time that person is not successful in creating that happiness for you.

I want to leave you with a light of hope. Because sometimes when life seems so dark, and you have voices telling you things that only bring you down, and that you deserve only "this much", I implore you to find happiness where it truly lies. My Heavenly Father was the only person who made any sense to me. Everyone else's opinions and judgements, and expectations about my life were like a flood of muddy water drowning me slowly. It wasn't until I prayed every last breath I had before finally succumbing, did the water turn clear and I was able to see the path I was to be on. I know that if you depend upon your Heavenly Father, he will lead you to happiness. He will lead you to the happiness you are starved for, whatever it may be.

So I ask you this, Have you seen your reflection today?