My grandfather died in April. It's been really hard on my grandmother to be without him. Today I met up with some of my female cousins and we got on the subject of Grandma. One cousin commented that when she talked to her last, Grandma had said how she's just praying for the Lord to take her. As the outspoken cousin she is told her that just because you want it so bad, he's not going to give it to you. He's not going to give you an out.
That logic resonated with me. It stuck with me throughout my day and into my evening with a very charming man. This man has been very honest with me and told me how he cares for me, but that he's not looking for a relationship. It's becoming perpetually more and more difficult to see him because I want something so much more than he's willing to give. Therefore, I always come away heart broken from our outings. So this logic of God not giving us an easy out echoed almost with a laugh at me tonight. I've probably touched on this before, but have you ever wanted something so bad that it's anti-productive?
In aerobics, there's a point of exertion that's called anaerobics. It's where you have your heart rate up so high that it's just burning oxygen instead of fat. Making all your efforts counter productive. You are essentially trying so hard that you are no longer effecting your goal. I think of my grandmother and myself in this notion. She wants to be with her husband so bad that she's no longer living. And I want to be loved by someone else that I'm no longer living. We both put forth such effort to achieve our goal, whether it's in action or thinking, that we become exhausted and ultimately still too far away from our goal.
So how does one bridal that passion of the heart? How do we ignore the pain and try to heal even when every part of our being is engulfed in the trauma of our desire? The only thing I can decide is that I need to focus on something else. Basically ignoring the pain. My grandma has been obsessed with changing things in her home. Going through all of my grandpa's things, removing them from the home. I know most of her kids don't understand why she's doing what she's doing, but I do. It's something tangible that she can focus on to forget the pain. For me, it's running. I foresee it becoming a bit of an obsession. But I'd rather be alone doing something I love, like running than being alone with the reality of why I am.
I haven't given up on the idea of being one in a pair. I don't think I ever will. However, I'm going to need to do my best to ignore it for the time being. One day, I hope to be strong enough to handle it head on. But for now, I'll just deal and try not to want it so much. My efforts in life need to count. My daughter says this saying all the time, "You only have one life. Enjoy it!" Believe me when I say, I plan to.