Mean. . . .

Does it surprise any of you that people lie? Does it surprise any of you that people steal or are underhanded? Does it surprise any of you that there are so many attributes that people have that are flat out negative? It doesn't surprise me at all. Not one bit.

I'm LDS. I consider myself one who tries to be as Christ-like as I can be. (I fail miserably all the time so don't think I'm standing on a soap box right now.) But my husband and I were discussing parts of our religion and ended up focusing on a point that has been the answer to a lot of the above mentioned questions for me. (Forgive me if I'm delving into deep philosophy here.) When our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were creating our world, earth, our planet and existence was created a bit more specific than any other worlds God had created. I say that because Christ died for us, but not only us, He died for everyone including all the other worlds God created and all the other children he loves and governs over. So why is ours so specific? Well it's because out of all the untold number of worlds our Heavenly Father created, He created ours in to be "evil" enough to crucify his son. No other world could do that. Our world was the only world he created that would crucify their King. And it had to happen. Christ needed to pay the price for all of our sins so that we may one day return to our Heavenly Father, that we may one day escape our mistakes, that we may learn and grow and become better people, that we will one day be able to grasp that magnitude of how much God truly loves us.

I probably opened up a can of worms for such a short blog, and I know I do not have all the answers, but I do know one thing: God loves us! I don't think we give him enough credit for just how vast a statement that is and how absolute of an answer it is. So yes, people lie. People steal and are underhanded. And people will cause you hurt. There will be moments in your life where you cannot believe the audacity of individuals and are left with the scars they cause. But through all of this that we have endured and all that we will undoubtedly endure, please take with you the absolute joy it is to know that God loves us, Christ loves us, there is so much love in this world.

I think just like any parent, God wants to protect us. Wants to keep us from harm, but knows we have to choose things for ourselves therefore leaving this world up to man. So I ask you, What have you chosen today?

Fat Bottom Girls. . . .

Ever since jr high I've been, shall we say, "well endowed." It is something that I cannot control nor can I hide. I do my very best to not let the girls hang out nor do I show them off unless a fantastic theatre role comes along that calls for such cleavage, and then I am all for it! However, even though I keep the girls covered, it doesn't keep men (and even women) from talking about them. It seems no matter where I go or who I'm with, I find someone to always point them out as if I didn't know they were there.

Sometimes I find it funny that they come up in conversation, sometimes even flattering, but for the most part I find it humiliating. Especially when they talk about them as if I can't hear what they are saying. It makes me want to crawl into my bathtub and hide from the world. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this issue, so for those who sympathise, just nod along for the rest of the blog. But for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, welcome to class students you are in Big Boobs 101.

First off, big boobs are expensive. Here's why:

When you measure for a bra, you first measure your rib cage or the area just under the girls. That measurement can range from 30 inches to upwards of 44 inches and even more. I am a 36 band size. Next you measure the girls across the nipples or largest part of the breast. For every inch you measure there above your band/rib cage size, you add a cup size starting with A. A=1 in. B=2 in. C=3 in. and so on. DD or DDD translates into DD=E and DDD=F. My current breast size is 44 inches making my total bra size a 36H. (Welcome to hell people.) Now you can find bras in almost every store that sells clothes. Even the dollar stores sell bras.  They range from 32A to a 44DDD and sell for as little as $10. They come in very cute colors and designs and even coordinate with little panties. Notice my size is not in that range. DDD cup sizes don't usually start until you reach a 38 band size. So usually I'm screwed. I have found my size in larger department stores like Nordstroms but they usually start at about $69 and go as high as $139 per bra! Then they tell you you should have at least 3 bras, one to wear, one to wash, and one to rest in the drawer. Ya right!! Are you following my pocket book here? Specialty stores like Lane Bryant are finally starting to expand their cup sizes but they still don't go above a DD in a 36 band making my boobs still SOL.

Secondly, big boobs hurt. Here's why:

My boobs weigh approximately 5lbs each and are only attached by soft tissue and thin muscle. If I shimmy too hard, I can actually tear my muscles and injure myself. But imagine if you will, a ten pound bag of sugar hanging off of your chest every day. Can you picture what that can do to your back? Sometimes when I take off my bra at night I could almost cry at the pain my boobs feel deep inside just from the weight of them. Now throw a poorly fitting bra into the mix and you are constantly in some sort of pain from them. Some insurances even cover breast reduction surgery as a way of eliminating pain in a woman's back. And let's not forget how much more there is to fill with menstral cycle related hormones each month. There are days they just ache with pain because my body is filled to the brim with estrogen.

Thirdly, nothing ever fits over big boobs. Here's why:

For me specifically my waist is a lot smaller than my girls on top. So in order to find a shirt that fits nicely over my boobs, I end up wearing what looks like a tent around the mid section. The same is in reverse, if I find something that fits great around the waist, there is no way the girls are tamed uptop. So basically I end up doing a lot of tailoring to make my clothes fit. I buy what fits my boobs and then take the rest in. But forget about button up tops entirely. They never fit.

Fourthly, big boobs never stay still. Here's why:

Big boobs always fall out of their bra. Whether it's on top or on bottom, they never stay in one spot. I am constantly adjusting them to make sure my cleavage isn't out of control, that I don't have muffin top boobs, or that they aren't falling out. It's a constant battle, day in, day out.

Fifthly, nursing is an even bigger problem. Here's why:

When I was nursing, their size doubled. I was literally wearing bowling balls. I was always over lactating. Sometimes there was so much milk my nipples would no longer stick out enough for my little one to latch on and eat. I cried every day when I was nursing. If I didn't feel fat enough as I was, nursing was going to make sure I did.

Sixthly, you can't run with big boobs. Here's why:

It is a sight to see when a big breasted girl goes running. So much that they invented the tv show Baywatch. I have yet to find a sports bra that actually does what it's meant to. Seriously, I wear two bras to go running. An underwire full coverage one and then a sports bra overtop. And I still feel them bouncing away as if they are waving to spectators in a parade. And let's not even get into what they look like in an aerobics class. Good heavens a girls could knock herself out in one of those classes.

Seventhly, they are messy.  Here's why:

If you drop or spill anything while you are eating, it will land with a dramatic thud right on your boobs for all to see. Upside to this argument is that your pants are always clean. Also if you lean over the table, or anything really, you don't always feel that you just dipped your boob into the mashed potatoes and are now wearing them like the long lost nipple ring you never had and don't even notice until you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror because what big chested girl can look under her rack? Not me.

Eighthly, they always get in the way. Here's why:

Take that previously mentioned 10lb bag of sugar and put it back on your chest. Now fold your arms. Now sit in a booth at a restaurant. Now give someone a hug. Now try and do any sort of stretch on the floor where you bring your knees to your chest. Now try and wear an apron. Now do anything that requires you bend over. Now try and pass someone in close quarters. I could go on and on, but did anything get in the way for you? I rest my case.

I seriously could continue on at all of the examples of why big boobs are bothersome, but at this point I'd hope you'd understand. My point being that having big boobs is not always fun. We battle with them daily. We do not need men pointing out to us how huge they are or gawk as if they've never seen a pair before. We don't go around laughing at all your little weenie bulges. (Or at least I don't.) I do believe that men are always going to look and that's because men never truly grow up. This is just me venting yet another issue that pissed me off. But it's pissed me off for over twenty years and what better way to talk about it than in a blog.

I wish I was one of those women who could confront creepers and tell them to f*** off, but I'm not. So to make myself feel better I just remember the wise words my dad once told me when he caught me crying over a comment someone made about my boobs. He said, "Heidi, one day someone is going to love you for those boobs." And that someone sure does. He gets to fall asleep on them every night. So stick that in your tiny weenie bulge and jacket.

So I ask you, do you have big boobs today?

Love. . . .

So tomorrow is Mother's Day and Mother's Day for me is usually filled with family, dinner, school pictures and flowers. I am usually so excited for any sort of holiday, especially ones where I receive gifts. But, this Mother's Day, I seem to be struggling as a mother. Johnson and Johnson's came out with a commercial about a baby and what he would say to his mother if he could, it still makes me cry.
What parent out there actually feels like they are doing a good job? I'm not asking this question to be flippant, but to reflect upon myself because I never feel like I'm doing a good job. I find myself every day feeling less than who I should be. As a wife and mother, I have this sense of who I "should" be.

~For my Husband: I "should" be thin, fit and sexy with a libido that rivals any man's. My hair should always be lustrous and curled and my eyes always alluring with just the right amount of heavy mascara. Dinner is always well prepared and makes him moan with delight at each bite. The house should always be clean and smelling amazing so that at the drop of a hat people can pop in or we can decide to make love at any location in the house the moment the kids are out of sight.
~For my Girls: I "should" be home. Home to clean, do laundry, do dishes, help with homework or projects. Always have their beds made with clean sheets. Their rooms smelling like fresh laundry. Help them be prepared for every church activity/project/award/service/etc. Run them to friend's houses and back, to dance, piano, and soccer because we can afford it. A snack for them after school and a very well balanced dinner freshly prepared from my amazing coupon filled shopping trip where I saved enough money to take them to Disneyland. Oh, and a room mother.
~For my Job: I "should" be on time, looking amazingly professional, always remember everything I was taught, impressing, eager to be promoted, fill every second I am on the clock with job related activities that improve the company, willing to work extra hours and wear a smile.
~For my Church: I "should" be perfect and have enough time to serve in multiple callings.
~For Myself: I "should" be content, capable, and fulfilled with all of the above.

Now I know the details are all different for everyone, but I'm sure most of you will put yourself at the bottom of this list too. Slowly breaking under the weight of all the "should's" you should be doing.

For the most part, I really "want" to be able to do all of those "shoulds". I want to be able to do it all so my family will be at their full potential and so I can say I am a good mother. But I just can't do all that. I only do what I can and most of the time it's to the point of exhaustion because I tell myself it will be easier tomorrow if I just stay up a little later to finish all of the dishes tonight. But is that really "good enough"? Are pancakes for dinner because you forgot to plan dinner really good enough? Are early morning homework sessions because you ran out of time to sit down with your ten year old yesterday really good enough? Is a C in History for your thirteen year old because you didn't notice she was struggling until now really good enough? Is allowing your six year old to wear shorts and a sweater because you didn't do laundry again really good enough? Is asking to be on the bottom because you are so tired and you know it will be over faster really good enough? Honestly, is any of this really good enough?

I want to take you back to your childhood for just a moment. What do you remember? Do you remember the laundry? the dishes? Do you remember all those times you were late to dance class because your mom didn't get out of work in time? Do you remember how little money you had as a family so you didn't get the upgraded hotel package on your vacation? Do you remember only going to McDonald's once a month instead of every week? What do you honestly remember? Well for me, I remember how I felt. Certain events or every day livings are strong in my recollections, but what I remember the most is how I felt. I can't tell you what my parent's budget was, or how many times we could go out to eat, or any of the times I was late to something, or how many times my mom drove me from place to place, or how much my school clothes cost for tenth grade, or even who was at my graduation. I just don't remember those things. But I do remember how I felt when my sister and I would share a Coca-Cola from 7-Eleven. I do remember how much my dad loved fishing and how he made me feel so happy every time we fried up those rainbow trouts. I do remember feeling inadequate as a daughter in my mother's eyes. I do remember the feelings I had as a kid.

It has been difficult for me to not be able to give everything to my family. Everything I think they "should" get from me. But I devote all of my energy to making sure one thing is given to them every day. I make sure they feel loved. I'm not always successful at it, but I make sure they feel like I made those pancakes with pure love. I do everything I can to make my daughter feel like homework at 7:00 am is the best way to do homework. I make sure it's understood that a C in history is not how I measure the value of my daughter. I make sure my eclectic six year old feels like a supermodel in her green sweater and orange shorts with matching over sized crocheted headband she insists on wearing even though it's no longer winter. And I make sure my husband knows he rocks my world regardless of what position we are in.

I know I will never be rid of all the "shoulds" that hang over my head but at the end of the day, all I pray is that the love I show for them, the love they feel from me, will out weigh any expectation that comes along with the title of Mother. So I ask you this, Have you shared the Love today?