Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Fat Bottom Girls. . . .

Ever since jr high I've been, shall we say, "well endowed." It is something that I cannot control nor can I hide. I do my very best to not let the girls hang out nor do I show them off unless a fantastic theatre role comes along that calls for such cleavage, and then I am all for it! However, even though I keep the girls covered, it doesn't keep men (and even women) from talking about them. It seems no matter where I go or who I'm with, I find someone to always point them out as if I didn't know they were there.

Sometimes I find it funny that they come up in conversation, sometimes even flattering, but for the most part I find it humiliating. Especially when they talk about them as if I can't hear what they are saying. It makes me want to crawl into my bathtub and hide from the world. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this issue, so for those who sympathise, just nod along for the rest of the blog. But for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, welcome to class students you are in Big Boobs 101.

First off, big boobs are expensive. Here's why:

When you measure for a bra, you first measure your rib cage or the area just under the girls. That measurement can range from 30 inches to upwards of 44 inches and even more. I am a 36 band size. Next you measure the girls across the nipples or largest part of the breast. For every inch you measure there above your band/rib cage size, you add a cup size starting with A. A=1 in. B=2 in. C=3 in. and so on. DD or DDD translates into DD=E and DDD=F. My current breast size is 44 inches making my total bra size a 36H. (Welcome to hell people.) Now you can find bras in almost every store that sells clothes. Even the dollar stores sell bras.  They range from 32A to a 44DDD and sell for as little as $10. They come in very cute colors and designs and even coordinate with little panties. Notice my size is not in that range. DDD cup sizes don't usually start until you reach a 38 band size. So usually I'm screwed. I have found my size in larger department stores like Nordstroms but they usually start at about $69 and go as high as $139 per bra! Then they tell you you should have at least 3 bras, one to wear, one to wash, and one to rest in the drawer. Ya right!! Are you following my pocket book here? Specialty stores like Lane Bryant are finally starting to expand their cup sizes but they still don't go above a DD in a 36 band making my boobs still SOL.

Secondly, big boobs hurt. Here's why:

My boobs weigh approximately 5lbs each and are only attached by soft tissue and thin muscle. If I shimmy too hard, I can actually tear my muscles and injure myself. But imagine if you will, a ten pound bag of sugar hanging off of your chest every day. Can you picture what that can do to your back? Sometimes when I take off my bra at night I could almost cry at the pain my boobs feel deep inside just from the weight of them. Now throw a poorly fitting bra into the mix and you are constantly in some sort of pain from them. Some insurances even cover breast reduction surgery as a way of eliminating pain in a woman's back. And let's not forget how much more there is to fill with menstral cycle related hormones each month. There are days they just ache with pain because my body is filled to the brim with estrogen.

Thirdly, nothing ever fits over big boobs. Here's why:

For me specifically my waist is a lot smaller than my girls on top. So in order to find a shirt that fits nicely over my boobs, I end up wearing what looks like a tent around the mid section. The same is in reverse, if I find something that fits great around the waist, there is no way the girls are tamed uptop. So basically I end up doing a lot of tailoring to make my clothes fit. I buy what fits my boobs and then take the rest in. But forget about button up tops entirely. They never fit.

Fourthly, big boobs never stay still. Here's why:

Big boobs always fall out of their bra. Whether it's on top or on bottom, they never stay in one spot. I am constantly adjusting them to make sure my cleavage isn't out of control, that I don't have muffin top boobs, or that they aren't falling out. It's a constant battle, day in, day out.

Fifthly, nursing is an even bigger problem. Here's why:

When I was nursing, their size doubled. I was literally wearing bowling balls. I was always over lactating. Sometimes there was so much milk my nipples would no longer stick out enough for my little one to latch on and eat. I cried every day when I was nursing. If I didn't feel fat enough as I was, nursing was going to make sure I did.

Sixthly, you can't run with big boobs. Here's why:

It is a sight to see when a big breasted girl goes running. So much that they invented the tv show Baywatch. I have yet to find a sports bra that actually does what it's meant to. Seriously, I wear two bras to go running. An underwire full coverage one and then a sports bra overtop. And I still feel them bouncing away as if they are waving to spectators in a parade. And let's not even get into what they look like in an aerobics class. Good heavens a girls could knock herself out in one of those classes.

Seventhly, they are messy.  Here's why:

If you drop or spill anything while you are eating, it will land with a dramatic thud right on your boobs for all to see. Upside to this argument is that your pants are always clean. Also if you lean over the table, or anything really, you don't always feel that you just dipped your boob into the mashed potatoes and are now wearing them like the long lost nipple ring you never had and don't even notice until you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror because what big chested girl can look under her rack? Not me.

Eighthly, they always get in the way. Here's why:

Take that previously mentioned 10lb bag of sugar and put it back on your chest. Now fold your arms. Now sit in a booth at a restaurant. Now give someone a hug. Now try and do any sort of stretch on the floor where you bring your knees to your chest. Now try and wear an apron. Now do anything that requires you bend over. Now try and pass someone in close quarters. I could go on and on, but did anything get in the way for you? I rest my case.

I seriously could continue on at all of the examples of why big boobs are bothersome, but at this point I'd hope you'd understand. My point being that having big boobs is not always fun. We battle with them daily. We do not need men pointing out to us how huge they are or gawk as if they've never seen a pair before. We don't go around laughing at all your little weenie bulges. (Or at least I don't.) I do believe that men are always going to look and that's because men never truly grow up. This is just me venting yet another issue that pissed me off. But it's pissed me off for over twenty years and what better way to talk about it than in a blog.

I wish I was one of those women who could confront creepers and tell them to f*** off, but I'm not. So to make myself feel better I just remember the wise words my dad once told me when he caught me crying over a comment someone made about my boobs. He said, "Heidi, one day someone is going to love you for those boobs." And that someone sure does. He gets to fall asleep on them every night. So stick that in your tiny weenie bulge and jacket.

So I ask you, do you have big boobs today?


  1. I can't say I know exactly how you feel. But I do have a very odd size bra that I absolutely cannot find in regular stores and when I was nursing I was a 36G so I do feel for you!

  2. I LOVE YOU. Whenever people look at me and tell me I'm 'Lucky' because I have such a monster rack and I look at them like they're crazy they think I'M crazy because I didn't have to pay for my boobs.

    Oh I pay for them. Financially, physically, AND emotionally.

    You forgot my biggest trouble-costuming. I either look like a box or I have to enlist someone to make me something that actually fits my big boobs and tiny waist.

    And you're not the only one who can't tell the creepers to f%$k off. I wish I could.