So on the quiet, solo drive to our usual hot spot for food, I began to think. Surprising I know! But I thought about maybe why I was feeling so reserved around a group of people whom I consider to be my closest friends. I asked myself, "Why is it that they make me feel insecure? Especially in an environment where confidence is the currency?" My conclusion was simply this: My closest friends are 90% male and about 80% of them are single. There for, my nightmare of High School dating has followed me into adulthood.
In High School, I was basically Kurt, from Glee. For those completely unfamiliar with Glee, Kurt is a love struck, always sings back up, doesn't fit in, perpetually alone guy who never gets the man. And that's me. I always wanted to shine and have the guy I was in love with, love me back. But of course never did. And then always seemed to crave that attention from anyone who would give it to me. As confident as I may come across sometimes, I still find myself checking for the dirt under my fingernails when guy walks by. Or more realistically, sucking in my gut, looking up as to not show my double chin, and never raising my arms above my head so that I don't abruptly take flight from my bat wings when a guy walks by. (I can have an entire blog dedicated to Why I don't wear Shorts. But I'll save that for another time.)
Confidence is what men say they want in a woman. So how come it's something I can't get a grip on, even when I don't view the "men" in my life to be potential mates? WHY do I still, at 31, feel like I'm 16 and get asked to the prom only because their first date cancelled on them three days before the dance. -And yes that really did happen to me. What is it in women that give the men such power and control over their self worth?
I came to this idea. Women are born with an instinct. Much like a mothering intuition, we are born with an inner desire to find a mate. And for me, I have had that on my mind since I was in kindergarten. Being married and a mom is what I have always wanted to do. Nothing else held much desire for me because I wanted to be a wife and mother for my life. I've got the mother thing down packed. It's the wife thing I find to be troublesome. You see as a mother, I can do it all by myself. I don't really need anyone else to complete the task, and I do mean in the "raising of" definition. However, I am stuck. I am frozen in time, waiting for my mate. And there's not much I can do to move things along any faster. I must wait. Much like every other single woman out there. I know of many quality women, who are still waiting for their time to be a wife. And waiting is pretty much all we can do. Sure there's making yourself available, making sure you are attractive, preparing yourself by going to school, becoming something/someone in the meantime. But because we are waiting, we give the power of something we hold to be of great value to the men we seek.
I'm not entirely sure I know where I'm going with this, but I do know that I haven't figured it all out yet. There is no real ending to my blog tonight. Only unraveled threads that may never be mended. I guess the only thing I can say is this, Men will always hurt me. But only because I let them. However finding that is the process in finding that special someone. A dear friend once told me that dating is like flashing someone. You go up to them, open your trench coat and reveal yourself to them. They may or may not like what they see. But if you didn't expose who you really are, like only showing a little bit of yourself. A leg here, a shoulder there, etc. They'll never get to see the real you. And then never fall in love with the real you. So as much as it may hurt sometimes, and as much as you feel it safer to stay hidden, please don't. Make confidence your currency, shave your legs, even get a bikini wax and chose wisely who you flash because it's you who holds the power. Flash on sisters, Flash on.