Saturday, June 2, 2012

Any Other World. . . .

First off, I apologize if any of this blog comes off as insensitive. That is not my intention.

Something happened this year that rocked the foundation of my three daughters. Their step-mom committed suicide. Their father thought it would be fitting to tell my then ten and twelve year olds the truth about her death. Their father is not one to keep in touch regularly so it left me responsible for the after math that occurred once she was laid to rest. This is what happened.

My oldest dropped off the face of the planet. She became distant, stopped smiling, wore dark colored clothing, only answered questions with either eye rolls or mumblings and most noticeably, completely stopped caring about school. My younger daughter cried for a bit, but didn't show any other forms of distress until a school counselor called me and had told me she was breaking down to her friends at school. This infuriated me to the highest degree I had ever been upset. It was so noticeable that their knowledge of their step-mom's suicide was deeply affecting them because it seemed the only daughter that was happy was my five year old who was only told she got sick and died. Now, I wasn't angry at my daughters for their reactions, but angry at my ex and his wife for causing them.

I skip back to a past portion of my life. My sister was rushed into an emergency delivery of her first baby boy only four months after my youngest was born. We knew something was wrong but never expected the outcome that came. His heart just stopped beating once they cut the umbilical chord and they were unable to get it started again. She has since delivered another healthy baby boy and is pregnant with another girl due this summer. However for her and every member of our family, we now carry the worry and concern that such things could happen again.

One more past moment of my life, I got a divorce. I never even thought about it, and if I did I quickly dismissed it until one day it came pounding on my door. My divorce still affects me today, even though it has been over four years and I am happily remarried. The understanding that it could happen again is real. The idea of an end is commonly logical and lurks in the back of my mind every day.

In the instance for my daughters, suicide is now real. Suicide is now a possibility, just like the death of an infant is for my sister and abandonment is for me. It is all real and affects everything in the future for us. Have you ever had something you never thought of become a possibility for you?

I know I could easily flip this question into a positive like when my 220 lbs body completed a 10k, something that I never imagined happening, but I'm not going to. I want to leave it on the hard side of the flip for a minute. I want to leave it there because I ask you another question, Is any of this even fair? I get asked that question a lot. Being a religious person, people ask me my opinion on life being fair or not. Was it fair of my ex to tell my girls about the suicide? Was it fair that she did it in the first place causing pain for everyone as well? Was it fair for my sister to lose her son? Was it fair for me to stand alone after ten years? The answer is almost joyously, No, it is most certainly not fair at all!

So what do we do now? Foundations have been shook, anger ensues, and it has been established that life is not fair. What do we do now? I'll tell you what I've learned to do. For me, just because it's possible, does not mean it's going to happen. When I was dating after my divorce, I found myself ending most of the relationships I had out of rooted fear they would end without my control. So when I was dating my now husband, those same fears surrounded me to the point of irrational. Thankfully my handsome man understood my fears and helped me through them so that I could turn that "possibility" into experience and knowledge, not a predestined occurrence.

For my two struggling daughters (and my third who will one day face the truth about her once step-mom) I can only turn that "possibility" into a tool for them, teach them it is not what will always happen, and show them there is no prevention for life. That we must carry with us all that we know and learn from what happens along the way - fair or not. I believe it helps, if not is the key, to support one another and share the love (which is my favorite saying). If I didn't have my family supporting me through my divorce, I would have turned out worse off than I am now. And if I didn't have my wonderful husband embrace me with love for my fears instead of running from them, I would still be struggling in this life single.

I once created a motto that I use to explain my blog, "Perception is the key to an idiosyncratic delivery." Meaning, It's how you look it that determines the outcomes that may surprise you.

So I ask you this, Do you have a possibility today?

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