The Only Girl in the World. . . .

So the verdict is in, I can't even buy a date.

There is no Pretty Woman story in my dating history. Nor do I believe there will be in the future, no matter how red my dress is or how pretty I think or feel I am. I had recently secured a date for a formal function. I paid for the tickets, even picked him up and drove to the event. I was so looking forward to this excuse to go out and have a good time. I had bought a formal red dress, exercised and dieted my butt off, and spent almost $100 in pedicures, manicures, waxings and accessories for the night. That being said, I was not looking for anything other than an evening out. A simple date. Earlier in the month, this gentleman caught some sort of wind that I may or may not be looking for more. Even though I would not bark at that concept, I was in no way expecting that. But as a result of this false wind, he was visibly nervous and even seemed panicked around me. I did what I could to put his mind at ease without totally cancelling the evening. As a result I chose to say something to the effect, with him in direct ear shot, that it wasn't a date. That he was simply him, my friend. It was successful! He was back as my friend again and no longer flinched at the mere touch of my elbow. However, I unknowingly killed two birds with one stone. The positive side was that my friend was back and the evening was no longer going to be awkward. The negative side was that I shot myself in the foot and seemingly ruined my idea of a night out.

I foresaw this evening as problematic. As the day approached, I was excited for everything that was going to happen at this special event, but also very apprehensive towards my "date" portion of the evening. Still I trucked on and if I do say so myself, looked absolutely stellar! With my new weight loss, I believe I have never looked so beautiful in my whole life. I began to imagine how it would be to walk into the ballroom with my dashing date on my arm and all eyes upon me. (It was somewhat Cinderella-esc.) Unfortunately, it was nothing of the sort. Upon arrival it was clear that because I was to perform as part of the evening's events, I needed to leave my date and help prepare for the already behind schedule festivities. Once I was able to greet my date before dinner, I found it difficult to even stand next to him. Not for lack of trying, but more that he kept himself out of range in a crowded room. "No matter" I kept telling myself, it's the beginning of the evening and he's socializing with friends. After all, he is a gentleman and I did chose him out of many male friends to accompany me because of that.

The dining hall opened and dinner was served. Our large group made their way to the assigned table where I sat down in my designated chair for my performance. Unfortunately, my date chose not to sit next to me. (I have no idea why.) He sat two chairs over from me. However a dear friend of mine did sit next to me, and he and I had a delightful conversation. Basically the one I had planned on having with my date. The evening was over and as I was gathering my many things, my date was no where to be found. My dear friend however, stood by my side, helping me with my bag, somewhat compensating for the absence of my "date". I was hurt. An all too familiar pain.

At the end of the evening as I dropped of my date, he shot a hasty, "Oh thanks for the invite." as he was shutting the car door. I don't think we touched the entire night. This was the worst date I have ever been on. It would've been better to simply brave the evening alone.

I don't write this to bash my date. He is my friend. He doesn't read my blog and I only know of two people who do, who know who I am talking about. I write this out of frustration in hopes that it will ease my stress. There are many ways of dating, or for a better definition, in getting a date. I think I've tried them all. I've been set up on a blind dates, referred by friends, tried the online scene, flirted my way through an endless sea of inapt men, asked men out, waited for them to ask me out, told them I'd say yes if they did, gone to dances, gone to bars, played the dominant woman, played the helpless maiden, ignored men, gave them my full attention and most recently, I have asked out a friend as a favor, paying the whole way, and still coming up short.

I am at a loss as to what is going wrong. Most people I go to, to find counsel on the subject, have no answer for me. Then there are those who try and cheer me up by giving me the whole, "It will happen for you" speech. Today I had two different people refer me to the book, He's Just Not That in to You. It sort of stings. I also had one tell me how marriage is over rated and how I should enjoy my single life because there is no one to answer to. None of this advice is a consolation for how I feel. In fact, I'm finding it insulting on some levels. This last "date" was not the last sting my heart has experienced. One guy, I would've been willing to bet my life on, was sending me signals that he was interested. I didn't acknowledge them for a while, until another person pointed them out to me. Then I decided to open the door of possibilities and see what would happen. I thought things were moving along gradually until news of him going out with someone else came to light. I am happy for her, because she deserves to have a gem, and well, he is a gem. But now I'm left feeling jaded because I wouldn't have even let my heart go there if it wasn't for his persistence on the matter. I guess my radar of men is honing in on blips that are for someone else, much like the way a heart monitor can pick up the beating of another person's heart standing right next to you.

So I sit and wonder, most of the day, what is it about me that scares the men off? Is it me? My kids? What? Ultimately I would like a husband. I don't think I have ever hidden that notion. But I'm not asking for that from any man I've shown interest in. I am simply asking for a date. Why is that so scary to men? Is it more comfortable for men to be alone? Or is it that they all have Peter Pan complexes and would rather not be tied down? Whatever it be, I'd love some feed back. This is becoming so frustrating. I don't know where to start more improvement in myself. In the same breath, I don't want to change who I am for a guy. Speak up ladies (and gents). I have no understanding of this.