Monday, October 25, 2010

The Only Girl in the World. . . .

So the verdict is in, I can't even buy a date.

There is no Pretty Woman story in my dating history. Nor do I believe there will be in the future, no matter how red my dress is or how pretty I think or feel I am. I had recently secured a date for a formal function. I paid for the tickets, even picked him up and drove to the event. I was so looking forward to this excuse to go out and have a good time. I had bought a formal red dress, exercised and dieted my butt off, and spent almost $100 in pedicures, manicures, waxings and accessories for the night. That being said, I was not looking for anything other than an evening out. A simple date. Earlier in the month, this gentleman caught some sort of wind that I may or may not be looking for more. Even though I would not bark at that concept, I was in no way expecting that. But as a result of this false wind, he was visibly nervous and even seemed panicked around me. I did what I could to put his mind at ease without totally cancelling the evening. As a result I chose to say something to the effect, with him in direct ear shot, that it wasn't a date. That he was simply him, my friend. It was successful! He was back as my friend again and no longer flinched at the mere touch of my elbow. However, I unknowingly killed two birds with one stone. The positive side was that my friend was back and the evening was no longer going to be awkward. The negative side was that I shot myself in the foot and seemingly ruined my idea of a night out.

I foresaw this evening as problematic. As the day approached, I was excited for everything that was going to happen at this special event, but also very apprehensive towards my "date" portion of the evening. Still I trucked on and if I do say so myself, looked absolutely stellar! With my new weight loss, I believe I have never looked so beautiful in my whole life. I began to imagine how it would be to walk into the ballroom with my dashing date on my arm and all eyes upon me. (It was somewhat Cinderella-esc.) Unfortunately, it was nothing of the sort. Upon arrival it was clear that because I was to perform as part of the evening's events, I needed to leave my date and help prepare for the already behind schedule festivities. Once I was able to greet my date before dinner, I found it difficult to even stand next to him. Not for lack of trying, but more that he kept himself out of range in a crowded room. "No matter" I kept telling myself, it's the beginning of the evening and he's socializing with friends. After all, he is a gentleman and I did chose him out of many male friends to accompany me because of that.

The dining hall opened and dinner was served. Our large group made their way to the assigned table where I sat down in my designated chair for my performance. Unfortunately, my date chose not to sit next to me. (I have no idea why.) He sat two chairs over from me. However a dear friend of mine did sit next to me, and he and I had a delightful conversation. Basically the one I had planned on having with my date. The evening was over and as I was gathering my many things, my date was no where to be found. My dear friend however, stood by my side, helping me with my bag, somewhat compensating for the absence of my "date". I was hurt. An all too familiar pain.

At the end of the evening as I dropped of my date, he shot a hasty, "Oh thanks for the invite." as he was shutting the car door. I don't think we touched the entire night. This was the worst date I have ever been on. It would've been better to simply brave the evening alone.

I don't write this to bash my date. He is my friend. He doesn't read my blog and I only know of two people who do, who know who I am talking about. I write this out of frustration in hopes that it will ease my stress. There are many ways of dating, or for a better definition, in getting a date. I think I've tried them all. I've been set up on a blind dates, referred by friends, tried the online scene, flirted my way through an endless sea of inapt men, asked men out, waited for them to ask me out, told them I'd say yes if they did, gone to dances, gone to bars, played the dominant woman, played the helpless maiden, ignored men, gave them my full attention and most recently, I have asked out a friend as a favor, paying the whole way, and still coming up short.

I am at a loss as to what is going wrong. Most people I go to, to find counsel on the subject, have no answer for me. Then there are those who try and cheer me up by giving me the whole, "It will happen for you" speech. Today I had two different people refer me to the book, He's Just Not That in to You. It sort of stings. I also had one tell me how marriage is over rated and how I should enjoy my single life because there is no one to answer to. None of this advice is a consolation for how I feel. In fact, I'm finding it insulting on some levels. This last "date" was not the last sting my heart has experienced. One guy, I would've been willing to bet my life on, was sending me signals that he was interested. I didn't acknowledge them for a while, until another person pointed them out to me. Then I decided to open the door of possibilities and see what would happen. I thought things were moving along gradually until news of him going out with someone else came to light. I am happy for her, because she deserves to have a gem, and well, he is a gem. But now I'm left feeling jaded because I wouldn't have even let my heart go there if it wasn't for his persistence on the matter. I guess my radar of men is honing in on blips that are for someone else, much like the way a heart monitor can pick up the beating of another person's heart standing right next to you.

So I sit and wonder, most of the day, what is it about me that scares the men off? Is it me? My kids? What? Ultimately I would like a husband. I don't think I have ever hidden that notion. But I'm not asking for that from any man I've shown interest in. I am simply asking for a date. Why is that so scary to men? Is it more comfortable for men to be alone? Or is it that they all have Peter Pan complexes and would rather not be tied down? Whatever it be, I'd love some feed back. This is becoming so frustrating. I don't know where to start more improvement in myself. In the same breath, I don't want to change who I am for a guy. Speak up ladies (and gents). I have no understanding of this.


  1. I wish beyond all wishes that I had some grand answer for you. I've now been single for 13 years, doing the single mom thing. Like you, not for lack of trying.. (dating of every type)
    I guess after my 13 years of dating, I'm to the realization that I'm going to be single at least until my son is 18 and out of the house. Its been just this last year that I've decided that I'm okay with that, and I've stopped trying.

  2. Your recent date scenario sounded all too familiar. I've had a couple like that myself. I really have no brilliant advice. Men probably are intimidated by an amazing single woman with three equally amazing daughters. The one that you want to find will be be the one who sees that as a very attractive quality and a family that he wants to be a part of. Sadly, that one guy will likely be hard to find.
    My advice, if I were to give any, would be to keep focusing on yourself and your daughters. Keep working on your weight loss and achieving goals that you set for yourself. Don't stop looking or dating, by any means, but try to make it more of a secondary focus.
    I always was the one asking guys out and working to make my dating life happen until Nate came along out of the blue and actually pursued me for a change. That was one of the ways I knew he was what I wanted.
    I know it's much easier said than done, but try to relax. Try to focus on yourself and your girls and Mr. Right will most likely find his way to you in his own due time.

  3. One more may need to look out-of-state. Nate and I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of Utah guys have no idea how to date/pursue/treat women and a lot of them(the single ones) are scared of the responsibility of a mature relationship and marriage. They generally seem to expect women to do all the work. We've noticed this with men that we've known in and out of the LDS church.
    Nate was raised in Las Vegas and with the idea that if he liked a girl, he should to do something about it. He was shocked to learn that I had many male acquaintances and friends in high school and college, but had only been asked out on one actual date. The rest, I had done the asking. Then, after I got engaged, they all start saying, "Oh, I really liked you. I think we would have been good together." So why didn't they do anything?! I just don't get it.
    So here's some more of my rather lengthy advice....take a vacation and meet some men from other places and see if there's a difference. You never know. =)

  4. Ginny,
    I'm so sorry that 13 years have passed for you. I do agree that there are worse things than being single therefore settling is just not an option for me. However I'm not comfortable in my single skin and I so don't want 13 years to pass for me before I am. I do however, expect it. I hope that's not too pessimistic.

    I agree with you, and have been doing my best to focus my life that way. But some small part of me feels like I am giving up. Like I am choosing defeat over the fight. I just haven't found that balance yet.

    Thanks for your comments!

  5. Ashley, I think you really hit the nail on the head. That is how every guy in Utah is. I've thought about out of state guys, but I so don't want to move. I feel it unfair to expect them to move to make it work. But I do feel men in Utah, rely too much on their mothers and are lax about life/dating. Isn't this what people naturally want to do with their lives? Meet someone?? I just don't get it either.

  6. What a horrible experience. I am so sorry Heidi that it went badly. I know how hard you worked to fit into that killer red dress and how excited you were to wear it.

    I really don't know what to say about the guy issue. I just want to you to know that I love you. My heart hurts for you. You are such an amazing woman and I admire you so much. Hang in there Sweetie! There is nothing wrong with who you are. You are trying to do the right thing, keeping your kids in your heart, and handling life in a positive way. You Are Wonderful!!

  7. Thanks Deb,
    I miss you and love you too.