Help. . . .

I had an epiphany today. Even though I am continually thrown by the lessons I learn in life, today was a particularly mind blowing one.

My new boss and I have way too much in common for us to not be related. I swear we were dropped from the same tree, just five years apart. So today we got into one of our many personal conversations about my life and my now dating life. (Or lack there of.) I was telling her how I feel like men seem to be afraid of me and how I seem to scare them off before they are even fully interested. I expressed to her how frustrating it is because I feel I'm a good catch. I feel like what I have to offer is quality goods and no one even takes the chance to try them out.

She gave me this advice: She told me a story about when she had decided to finally find someone, a friend of hers who ran the psych ward at LDS Hospital, gave her some advice. Her friend told her that when the guy comes to pick her up, that she needed to have something "out" in her home. Meaning something needed to look out of place or a mess. Whether it's a pile of papers or books or whatever it be, it need to look out of place. -Now like my boss, I could not fathom the idea of not having my home look pristine for company. And like my boss, I would spend way too much time before the date getting it all to look that way, from the weeds in the yard, to the grass being trimmed, to the spider webs around the front door, to the carpet tracks in the living room carpet and the toilet paper being folded into a triangle in the small chance my date needed to pee before we left all causing me to possibly be late getting ready for the date. Now I laughed because this is me. My boss was describing me to a "T" as she told this story. In my mind I kept thinking, "Why would anyone not have their house in perfect order for a date? First impressions are a must!" Then when she told me the reasoning, I almost began to cry.

Her psych ward friend told her that when men see your life in perfect order, it gives them the impression that you are not "in need" of them. That you can handle your life so well there is no place for anyone in it. I just about died when she said this because of two things. #1 Since way before my divorce, I came to the conclusion that I was tired of asking for help from my then husband and not getting it. So I adopted the mentality that I could do it on my own. And I did. Then once the divorce happened, I really took that thinking by the horns and began to plow through my life. I have to say to myself every day, "I can do this on my own." because I am on my own. It's a sort of empowering statement for me so I don't fall into the negative thinking that so easily comes with being alone -alone with three kids. Plus if I don't believe that I can do it on my own and then never marry again, what sort of "failure" does that produce? In my mind, a monumental, life portraying one. Because at the very least I could say, Hey, I did it on my own. #2 I want a companion. I ultimately want a husband and to take care of him the rest of my life. I want a husband who I can share everything about me with. I not only want one, but I need one. I feel less than my potential without one. Of course I cannot just up and get a husband. I have to go down the line of steps from fiance, to boyfriend, to dating, to first date, to friends and start at the basic square one. So once again I find myself between a rock and a dateless Friday night.

After this epiphanal moment I headed home and let the previous conversation churn like mud in my mind. What was I to do? I like that I have a handle on most of the things in my life. Would a guy really come in and "save" me? Or do I really need a guy to survive my existence on this earth? Then, how do I, if I chose to leave something "out", send out the positive vibe of needing a guy as apposed to the dreaded desperate vibe??? Needless to say my over-analytical mind has yet to pause for a breath and I exhale in the form of a blog.

I guess I have come to this conclusion. Just as most men need to feel "needed" in a relationship, so do I. I need someone to need the feeling of my fingers through their hair. I need someone to need the warmth of my body next to theirs. I need someone to need the taste of my lips to linger in their thoughts. I need someone to need and want to have children with me. I need someone to need me at their side as we walk into the House of the Lord together. I need him to need all of this and more because I need all of this and more from him. I don't know if I will ever marry again. I definitely have hope I will, especially when a guy looks at me and makes my heart stop and I'm too scared to let him know and then end up scaring him off before there was even a chance. I want to attract a man. A good man. I want him to see how needed he is and how much I would adore him.

I can't really end this blog the way I'd like to. Mainly because I have yet to end my topic of struggle. So now I'm leaving it up to you. I need some help, some feedback. Please share your experiences with me. I'm so ready for a relationship, I just don't know how to go about finding it.