I am feeling defeated. It's the reason there's no song title on this post. I couldn't think of one. I'm lost, and feeling more like it's a permanent state of being rather than a simple backwards turn on Mapquest. I know that any sort of action I take will be fueled by emotions less flattering than my true self, so I chose to practice my "patience". But what am I waiting for? I have no clue. I think I'm waiting for someone to love me. Someone more than my kids. But is waiting the answer?
Everything else in my life I attack and accomplish. I feel I lead a truly fulfilling life. That everything I have I have been blessed with and am so grateful for. It's the one thing I lack that I'm having a hard time finding the blessing in. I don't believe I'm being too picky. I simply feel that I have been given a second chance at this and I'm not going to screw it up. There are worse things than being single. However, it doesn't discredit the pain I feel for being such. I'm not desperate, or in a hurry, or panicked, or anything like that. (At least I don't think so.) I am smart, intelligent, pretty, stylish, compassionate, supportive, loving, funny, sweet, gentle, blunt, curvy, full of energy, thoughtful, and feeling a real need to share all of this and more with someone else.
I love you! Which doesn't help since I'm missing certain important anatomical features, etc., BUT...ya know...
ReplyDeleteThe hard thing for me was when I did find someone to spend all of my days with and who loved me unconditionally and was most of the things I always thought I wanted, it still wasn't right.
I'm with you - all aboard the patience train...we don't know whether that ride will be long or short, but we are riding just the same...
You know Larissa, in the past year and a half I have had four men want to marry me. (One actually wanted to impregnate me so he had a real reason to marry me so quickly. He asked constantly. I loved him because he was so wildly attracted to me. I sometimes still miss the way he kissed me. But he's a whole other blog, *whew is it hot in here?*) I walked away from them all because something just wasn't right. Some of them I could definitely put my finger on what it was, others are still a mystery. That being said, I still don't think I've missed my stop on this love train. There are times I get claustrophobic and panic in search of a stiff drink (Diet Coke), but I eventually find my seat again and count all the men/stops I pass by. ~Insert Indian Jones reference: "No ticket!"
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